Day 249 : The Ending of 2016

The Ending of 2016

Here's to the ending of year 2016. It has been a long and tiresome journey and I hope you readers out there wouldn't feel the same as me. Having to shut off a friendship and affection for a person whom I believe I am willing to sacrifice my whole to her, not being able to make new female friends (god knows why), losing contacts with polytechnic friends due to the change in environment and topic ran out because the things we are doing aren't the same like the lecture books we dug ourselves into when the examinations are around the corner. Things ended with a twist in year 2016 for me. Everything seems to look fine during January, where I am able to control all my feelings for her, studies doing well to keep myself occupied. Being able to spend more time talking with my family, friends and even gaming to reduce the stress levels built up from studies. August, claiming my driver's license, though passing it only on the second try, but at least I've made it. The back flow in my luck comes around the October period, where things are starting to get dry and everything seems to be out of place and I'm losing focus and the motivation to push myself further.

Questions that are always in my mind are : Am I an optimistic person? Am I being too hopeful? Should I continue being "Mr Nice Guy" or should I shift to being who I used to be, "Mr Quiet"? Have Yu Jun really change me into something better? What will my aim be even if I get to be with her? Will we ever last? What will graduation day be like? Will we take a picture to commemorate the last day we will ever be smiling for the camera? Or are we going to be strangers even when we met face to face in public? Have you ever thought of me? Do you...recognize me?

I thought I did my best to satisfy what you are seeking for in a male friend, a partner, someone who will look up to. However, it seems that you are looking at Aaron Fong these days. He told me you stop trying to take your driving license after you've failed once just because he told you not to. Yes, I did ask questions about you from Aaron, though to me, he isn't someone whose words can be trusted but I have no choice. I don't think Eunice nor Christel will help me in this because of what happen between us, they will definitely be keeping every information about you a secret from me. Which is why, I was hoping you wrote back to me, showing that you are still willing to accept me interfering your life once again. 

Having to lost my earpiece which I've only got from the iphone 7+ box in a month or so, having to brace myself through the 2 hours journey back and forth to work as well as during work. I even read a book for the first time and it was a thick ass book with 500 over pages which only lasted 4 days or so. 

Day 227 : Nothing came back

Nothing came back

On 29th November 2016, I wrote Yu Jun a birthday card which inside wishes her a very happy birthday as well as a confirmation to our friendship. Well, without a doubt just by looking this blog title, you will know her answer. Inside the card is a paragraph which I wrote " If we could still be like what we were in the past, going out together and so on, do write me back a reply so I will understand. Otherwise, let the birthday card be the last message I will ever send to you ". And YES, I wrote my postal code and house unit number at the bottom of the page along with my "fab" signature by the side. I waited patiently for the weekend to go by, however nothing came to my door, not even a single news from her. It has been a week since the day I've sent the card and I believe that puts a fulls stop to our friendship. Never did I expect that an expression of feelings for her will turn out to be so bad, or was it because I have nothing in hand that she needs and requires it from me anymore. 

"When I first met you, you were nothing more than another face. But 6 months later and you are the only face I could ever find in a crowd." These 2 sentences really hit me in the gut, it exactly marks the duration of how long after I've known you before having that small infatuation for you. I still remember the days where we were still kids, year 1 Sem 2, back then I was still 17 years old and you're 18. I chose you and Bryan to join my team because you were the only girl left and I don't want an all guy team, honestly. But never did I expect that you were actually a cheerful, happy-go-lucky girl that actually made my heart skips a beat. Helping me to score an A grade for that IS module, INNOVA, really made me feel blessed to have you in my life. It was something remarkable or someone to give up their part of the presentation for their team mate. I fell in love with you when it was the C&I Week, where we are forced to build the car and to create a circuit by using duct tapes and making all the unneccessary aesthetics for the board to look nicer. Drawing trees and humans along the sides of the road... though we did not even submit the board to them, we still had some fun and laughter over the process of making it. I still remember when Mustaqim tease us to get together because we were always speaking in Chinese and neither Bryan nor Mus understands that language. Also, judging by our close skinship and sharing ear piece to watch The Walking Dead season that you wanted to watch. We slacked off a lot for the project and it became like a dating area for me. Where I arrive early in the morning, waiting for you to be there so I can make you smile. I love your little dimple, It really shows the beauty in you, especially with your out going personality, you smile a lot. I mean A LOT.

But it is all too late to say anything now, I guess our friendship isn't meant to last afterall. If you scroll through our Telegram text, last year I accidentally jinxed that we might have another war and may not be able to be friends before our graduation. Seems like things are going that way, where it is already Semester 2 now and we haven't made up. I tried and tried and tried, but I guess you just don't want to give me another chance, to even forgive myself. If this is the decision you've made, then let's not even greet the next time we see one another. I hope that everything is going well and bless you on your future endeavors.