Day 52: The end of Priscila and Me

 So, I was feeling curious as to why Chun Kai keeps telling me that Priscila and I are not able to be friends at all after a break up and he also told her to better not come for the hotpot or drinking will be better.. So, initially I just wanted to speak to her in hall about it that we shouldn't really listen from the advices as friends or whatever also need to be able to see each other without feeling any awkwardness isn't it. 

So, I went to hall on the Thursday afternoon (9 December 2021), end up I saw Javin's slippers once again at her doorstep, I confronted them and spoke to him. Also, found out that they are in the midst of understanding each other better already and they have gone out together a few times. So, in my definition of that, they are already in the midst of some dating phase since she does not give just ANYONE a chance to go out with her 1-1. After all, I am pretty much blocked from any opportunity I tried, from eating together 1-1, exercise or even playing mobile phone games. Tried to ask her for 3 more dates to really be sure of her answer but she keep refusing even after 1 hour of persuasion by me. Seems like it really does not work out anymore, she kept bringing up the past of Hwee Voon especially and how I have not manage to make her feel secure in the relationship as well as how I only found out about my flaws ONLY after the breakup. (Well, in my defense, she did not tell me anything about the things she dislike about what I did, and we usually only have those petty little quarrels here and there like any other ordinary couple.) So, I guess the once, strong loving couple in hall has to call it quits but worse still is that she has just open her doors (maybe her legs too) to a new guy which also lives in the same hall. Haha... it sure is tough for me to take all of this in especially when I have caught them in the act. Seriously, could've probably felt better if she told me earlier that she actually is seeing someone else. 

Honestly, I have lost all my feelings for her at this moment, but I still have those lingering memories of our honeymoon period, where I don't even ask her for sex or whatsoever, it was pretty an innocent relationship, where we sneak out at night in hall, to have a talk for like 30mins-1hr at the carpark gantry, in northhill, and during the weekends, she will come over to my place and spend the night over. We really just kiss and hug each other to sleep, without any private part touching or anything. It was such a pretty memory that well, I wanted to do that if we really do patched back, like really reset back to our honeymoon period. But she does not want to give me any chances as she feel that character does not change. But people do change, its will not be easy, but determination can really lead to more fruitful results. I know, that I have hurt her along the way, but it also won't be easy for me if I didn't know bout all these.. She cried after all that talk and I asked for a hug but she shook her head, so I patted her head and say.. maybe it is goodbye, but I really do hope that somehow, somewhere, if really fate do permit for us to be friends, I hope that we can at least be one that can be close enough to tell secrets to, to really share our happiness, frustrations, sorrows to.

Well, today will probably the last post of Priscila and myself.. I really loved her since October 1st 2019, when we had our first date, all the way Thursday, 9 December 2021, when I feel that I really can't love her the same anymore, knowing how she can just switch to another guy so quickly. Oh well, really unsure if I can even love the next girl the same way, I took a long time to heal from Yu Jun and I'm sure this is going to be a lot worse since I did not even date Yu Jun back then. I wonder, what will the future have in stall for Priscila and myself. Will we be strangers, after today? Or will we really be able to reset, start afresh and be close platonic friends without harboring any hatred or love for each other? Hahaha, I felt like maybe she might be the right girl, but unfortunately met at the wrong time. Maybe if we have met, a little later.. things may have been smoother. Where I will have more wisdom and be more wary of how a girl like her would have felt through my actions.

Day 47: Start of her intern / Start of my answering journey

So, yesterday night I was reflecting on what I should do and I was thinking, why not start on a journey of answering these questions below early, and do it every end of the week to re-evaluate my own feelings for her. Thing is, that I myself don't know if I really love her or is it just because I don't want to waste the months and years that I have spent with her. Sometimes, it hurts whenever I think about it because I don't know if I really have loved her properly before though my brain keeps telling me that I really loved her and really want the best for her when she is with me. But have I really did the right thing, such as actions and proper attitude that I have given to her to see a promising future with me?

The questions below are from 2 posts ago but I will be using these questions for that time being..

 1. What is it that I really love about her? Is it just because of wasted time, or is it really true that I love her from the bottom of my heart. 

2. Am I prepared to face the reality that even if someday, I have changed and she accepted me but if I were to be short-tempered at one point of time, she may still bring up about this past, and history will repeat itself?

3. She can also reject me like any other guys that can come chasing for her. Like she can reject to any opportunity that I set up for, a lunch/exercise/movie date. She has the right to say No and I have no choice but to live with it.

4. Since there is no expiry date to how things can go, there can also be a possibility that I have to take months, years or may not even chase her back while seeing her go with another man.

Day 43: First day of hols and also first day with "minimal interaction"

 From morning until now (8pm), we literally have 5 times where Priscila and I reply each other... I feel like this distance is somewhat killing me but.. it may also be the distance you wanted all along.. Not so sure how long I can last for this. Saw you popping online in your whatsapp at 7:44pm when I sent a reply to you around 7:20+pm, but you didn't open them and definitely did not reply to my message as well. I guess I just have to endure it through? I mean it will probably feel worse the next time when you switch your last seen back on and I know that you aren't replying my messages. 

How am I suppose to actually feel though, to be honest, I have no idea what should I do to actually move on from all these, afterall we have been so close to one another to the extent that we see each other every lunch, dinner and even for night walks from 10pm to midnights. Even during weekends, we zoom call one another to watch shows together and also text one another after we off-ed our zoom calls. But now, it is reduced to only 5 chats per day... Having to start off at 5 chats/day, I am assuming that there is also a possibility that the next time... during this period when you are having your intern, may end up being 5hrs interval for your replies.. Especially when you really start doing your audit work, I think you will have more of an excuse to not reply me at all until the end of work when it can be 530pm or even overtime and say to become 7-8pm. I am just praying that I will be able to endure through this 1 month such that I can somehow get over you, and move on so that we can really go back to being friends and know each other all over again at least... 

I really am trying not to be hopeful in anything that we might have a possibility of getting back together because I am rather sure that we won't be, unfortunately.. Though I really wished that we could. I just feel that it is impossible to "forget" something. I even remember those small fights that I had with my friend in secondary school that does not even affect me at all, and that was like 10 years ago. Furthermore, I don't even contact him after secondary school, so I know that it really is impossible to forget any bad memories. Moreover, something that I have done to you.. like calling you a cheater and whatsoever. I guess, I really have to move on and just look forward. I have tried my best, and if my best is not enough, then no choice also ba...

I just hope to be able to at least get to know you all over again someday, when you allow me to ask you out for meals or movies whatever. My plan is probably to at least: 

1. Study together

2. Breakfast together

3. Go on night walk to Giant together

4. Watch shows via Zoom together

5. Finally and most importantly, go out 1-1 together. It will probably be like a date. and that's when I feel that I will finally get a chance to even try to do something from then.