After 3 months+ of dealing with this break up phase, I am still unable to budge from where I was. Though, I can say that I have probably improved my ways of dealing with the ache in my heart but I think I am still a very long way from healing because I know that deep down, I still want her to be mine. I won't exactly say that I have changed my bad habits but I think I have come with solutions as to dealing situations with different approach and all that. Priscila said that I wasn't able to provide her with a sense of security when I was with her though I never kept in contact with people like from NTUC or the girl from my intern (the one at intern is really shocking because I don't even talk to her as much at work, and its definitely gone after the internship too.) Well, I am trying to get her to go out with me on one of Sunday during the recess week, which is exactly 1 month from now. I really do hope that she can consider giving me an opportunity to make things less awkward because if the friendship can only be relied by going out as group, I don't think it will be built to last, because I have seen too many big groups or cliques that fall out after a graduation or separation due to many living in different walks of life. This can be very certain as we will all graduate and move into our different prospect of life based on that jobs and responsibilities that we will have to burden. As much as I really do wish that I can get more opportunities to be around her, I also know the limits of my opportunities that she will still not have any feelings for me just because of what I have done when we were in a relationship.
I don't know what was the thing that actually made her heart flutter when I first chased her, was it my over-powering confidence that made her love me? That now she only sees in Javin or other guys that doesn't actually care for her? I believe and know that I have done much much more than the other guys she has interacted with. The guys who knew her for a year over and whatsoever, shouldn't be willing to be able to sacrifice as much as I am willing to. I know that I am putting myself into such a big risk that this man-hole might be something that I am unable to climb out from. But, will it be worth it? I don't know but for now, if I am able to get on her good side, yes I do feel that it will be worth it because I think I am unable to get over her. I know that many will say that it will be alright and you will learn to love another person when the time is right, but why is it that moving on is so difficult even when I have tried to hate someone so badly? Is it even possible to be a friend of someone you truly love and want them to be your soulmate, be your everything. I really don't know my true intentions. I know that if I am unable to do so, I may also lose the friendship all over in the future because I will not be able to handle the fact that she will meet someone else and has never considered me again even though I have changed and have become more successful or whatever. I think I'll just have to wait patiently for a miracle to happen or realised that I have loved the person since the start
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