Hello.. once again. ☺,
Since I am on a long sick leave today, by chance I looked at the date and it is 24 November again. The day in 2019 that I got the best looking bouquet from the florist, in my parents car and on the way to your piano recital with Amanda tan and friend. It was also the day that I asked for you to be my girlfriend because I know my feelings then have already been true for you and want to forge the most beautiful future with you. I think.. you will have already forgotten how much 24 Nov meant to us and 2 more days, which is my birthday. I have no expectations of anything since we have already separated for more than a year.. and have broken off all contacts since April and the last email we shared was in July as well. I have made no intention to continue the email as well because I felt that I'm not ready to accept the end of the relationship which I have put 101% into. Even recently in October, when I seen you and our mutual friends' instagram story when I see Javin was joining you and the others in SengKang to eat, something still boils deep down and made my stomach churn. As much as I wish to be able to accept that you are gone for good, I cannot accept the fact that I am being replaced by someone of insignificance and quality as compared to me. Hence, I have reconsidered on the time to make contact with you and decided that it will be better if I hold off this opportunity of making contact with you even though it may seem like the best time to do so. But I have decided to completely let you go, and not have any intention or mindset of getting you back as a girlfriend.
Work has been getting easier as the weeks go by, things are falling into place as I have gain more knowledge on the work as well the business process of how things should be done so that I won't have to do everything when it is the responsibility of others. I have already been in this job for nearly 4 months now, time surely feel like it was sped up when I am busy with my own work. The thought of missing my ex girlfriend has been kept at its minimum as well, but whenever I think of her, I don't whine about it anymore, neither do I feel the urge to want to get drunk because of what happened. It still aches but it doesn't hurt like a fresh wound anymore. I just want to make things right even it still means that we will never be as close as we were, even as a fellow freshmen we knew each other during our hall orientation camp. We have all grown in our different ways which led to this separation, the people that we have interacted, we trusted, we listened to, have given us many different opinions that may or may not be a good one have molded us into a couple that was sweet at the start but could not last in the long run. If we were still as innocent and does not do things with an intention, maybe we could have had a better relationship. I will believe that we have separated due to the inferiority of one of us achieving more than the other, and hence being left behind. I know that when I was behind Priscila in terms of academic, I felt disappointment in myself, felt like I was useless, because I could never compare with her in terms of financial status, so I felt like I have to be better in at least one item, which was then only sports/games. I was only better at that one thing just because I was more athletic than her, so I studied super super hard to be better than her. I would then persuade myself that I am trying to get better grades to be her role model so that we can work towards a common goal of being the better versions of ourselves, but in the current now that I think about it, was I also affected by thus, inferiority complex, when your partner is achieving more and is always compared by your parents whatever and it makes you feel like you're nowhere near your partner. I understand she was also working very hard to be better in terms of academics but I believe it wasn't showing results because she was too consumed by many distractions in life such as wanting to stay up late to be with friends and have a social life, followed by earning side income by teaching tuition at least 2 times a week, and also a weekly volunteering CCA which she participated as a sub-committee in. These extra time which could have been better used in revision was wasted in doing something which we, students, think that it is important for our portfolio. But in actual fact, so little of it was questioned/mentioned during my job interview as those CCA play so little in our roles as a potential candidate to join in a fast-paced environment.
Looking back at what I could have done better, will be to not stress her out in my constant revision, I will still do my due diligence of revision but I will not stress her by mentioned about studying even during the weekends. I am a goal oriented person and I never liked to lose, therefore I was also mean and harsh to her when I was playing games with her which I think I will have to work on my temper on those stuff. I guess these are the reflections for today and maybe it won't be long before the next blog post. Well, I hope everyone stays safe and for those still heartbroken and unable to leave their ex, they'll be able to understand that in every breakup, there is a part to play by both parties even how minor the mistake may be.
"She had a King, but she the moment she decided to discard and reshuffle, all she got now are Jokers."
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