Day 35 : Not motivated anymore

Not motivated anymore

In the previous semester, I was so motivated to studying every Saturday with you that I always have a smile on my face and always looking forward to seeing you in the library, sitting opposite of me studying together. Though we may not be talking to one another during our own revision, the look on your face when you focus is really cute and it just gives me a push to overcome the dry studying of going through the words and formulas in the lecture books. However, as of this semester where things already started differently, it started in a complete chaos and my focus turns into a haywire. Saturdays become a day where I lie on bed missing the days we had spent together. Even asking you out in advance for the June holiday break also seems awkward. I asked if we could go out together and your reply is immediately a " Where? " I don't know if there seems to be a restriction to where our friendship can be that made you give me this current state of cold treatment... Replies from you become longer and longer, extending to more 24 hours. I guess, I will give u until the end of today to reply me.. Otherwise, I might have to forget you as a whole... I'm probably not worth your time anymore, knowing that your phone is around you most of the time, I doubt you have a perfect reason to stall me through the night.

Day 34 : Driving simulator

Driving Simulator

The driving simulator lesson which costs me $13 from BBDC, bukit batok driving center is practically a waste of time, it is what it is, a simulator. Hence, it is nothing near being driving an actual car. It is automatic but... just jamming down the accelerator pedal won't even get me at a high speed. In fact, I feel that if we clear stage 1, more likely that driving simulator is a total waste of time and money. Well, I guess this is just another way of legally taking extra money from people who join in school enrollment. Hmmm, should I plan outing with Yu Jun during the hols? but I have to think bout her budget, timing and what to do... Well, I have to remind myself to not love her the same way I did because I don't want to be jumping into the bear trap again, hurting and trapping myself once again. Hmmm, but I would definitely love it to be her best guy friend who can be there for her and..yeah maybe she will do the same... I HOPE?

Day 31 : Stress

Stressed

It definitely feels weird for not waking up to your snapchats and waiting for a " Good morning " snapchat from you. Our snap streak was broken, a week ago(?) at 197 snap streaks. That's more than half a year! Hahaha I still remember that everyday after school, I will always share stories of what happen in class or outside class to you. But now, these stories are just stories on a piece of waste paper. We don't snap any pictures nor speak in real life. I saw Christel on Monday, and my natural reaction was to look for you, but realizing it doesn't make a point if I'm always the one initiating. It just shows that I'm getting taken advantage of, only visible when needed something I can provide. Probably I'll keep snapchat just to browse through stories and playing around the filters.. Though I usually use them to entertain you when we are at a boring conversation. Things are still going great here, without you, though my focus is definitely not as strong and my desire to score well isn't really there because you always seem to motivate me to become the best of myself. However, now I see you still #1 BFF snapchat with Aaron and even use Instagram direct messages as a different platform for messaging. Nevermind, afterall I am just a side-kick, a ball that is thrown back and forth only to come by when needed to fill up the space and thrown aside practically 90% of the time. These are observations I realized only when I step out of the circle of confusion when I am deeply in love with you. I am mesmerized by all the clumsy acts of yours. Oh, and if you didn't know why I didn't reply your latest snap is because you seem ignorant about our friendship. Still asking what we talked about and what happened between us. Ahhh... But I guess its alright now, have to forget them so I won't be bothered bout it. The usual, hope you stay healthy and smile the brightest everyday of your life.

Caged experience at Lido with "Break The Chains"

Break the chains

Went to Shaw House, more commonly recognised as Lido because we only go there for the movie theater there. So, as what I wanted, I get to be in the caged as part of my duty for the event. However, because only one of five of us is only allowed to enter the cage at a time, I got bored and end up promoting Break The Chains by giving out pamphlets and educating the public about how we can help these animals and their opinions on such events if we can further improve our ways on making such an important step to helping the animals. So... I can only remember 2 new names , Shi Min and Chloe because they forced me to remember their names though we might not even see each other after today. Hmmm, what else? Ohh! Bobby Tonelli is the emcee for this event. Didn't get a picture with him because I'm not one of those hardcore fans where I will go crazy over idols. Well, he's a very cool guy and his voice is just amazing on the mic. Maybe because I've heard his voice when he works as a radio DJ then. Today my phone is exceptionally quiet though, without your snaps, my phone battery can last for more than a day... 对不起, 我真的希望时间能倒带，那么我就知道我早就应该离开，因为我尽管背叛了我自己，为了要讨好你但是那一次的表白只让我们的感情变得很尴尬。我看你没回答我的 Snapchat 也应该就是说我们连朋友都不能做了吧？

Day 25 : Farewell

Farewell

Since I wasn't even able to ask you for a clear statement if it is a yes or a no. I guess I had enough of the game that we're playing. I was just another confused player who thought he had the chance to make things different, changing all of myself to be that one who can impress you. Now, you just say "Im bored of it" and that is where you just left me hanging by the thread. But definitely, you have taught me many things, the vulgarities I use often in the past few years has been kept to a minimum where I don't even use it at all now. I've learnt to look things at a brighter side so things will not be so dim and the road to success wouldn't be so narrow and shaded. I have too, learn that I must stop at some point of time, to enjoy the nature and scenery which we may have passed by everyday without realizing. The clumsiness in me just to make you laugh will come to an end because I guess there isn't a point to destroy myself over and over again, but to face reality. Well, I didn't want to say this, but were you toying with my feelings back then? Knowing that I have some kind of feelings for you, you made used of me in contributing to birthday presents and doing things at a snap of a finger for you? This is one question that I don't have the confidence to say " No, she wasn't just all pitying me, hence spending time going out on dates with me." So.. I'm saying goodbye here because this blog might be the only thing I will speak of you in the future... Thank you for all these life lessons... and I hope we will meet once again in our point of lives at a different approach. Be well and take good care of yourself... If you have thought about having me as someone who will be in the future as your best guy friend, then yeah..you can still ask me out and we can still talk for hours without feeling restless like how we were in our East Coast Park date.

29 November 2015 ( Your 19th birthday )

Day 23 : Dialogue in the DARK

Dialogue in the dark~

There goes my virgin trip to having an experience being in total darkness with a black and white strip walking stick. The whole learning experience as very indulging, however it wasn't a long one. We are only able to be in there for about half an hour, experiencing the difficulty in identifying objects using all our senses especially touch and smell. Since we can't see, we are more afraid of walking into the wall, hence we all walking very cautiously so we won't fall if there happens to have a slight slope or even a pillar that we might brush across. We went "grocery shopping" in the dark, touching and feeling what kind of vegetables and fruits there are in the basket. Since we already knew how things look and smell like, we are able to identify them quickly. In the dark, we also went into a cafe, they sell cookies, drinks and even ice cream. I only bought the cookie because I didn't want to make a mess on my shirt because I don't know how will it be served. Hahaha! well, it sure is interesting to experience it in this 30-45 minutes but I can never imagine if my whole life is in darkness. I probably wouldn't even survive just moving out of the house. I made use of the walls on the side to walk to destinations. Imagine on the road, there wouldn't be anything to guide me on walking straight or will I be ended up walking off to the main road which will be extremely dangerous!! Respect to these visually impaired people! 

Went to meet the smoking counselor today as well, shared stories about the stress I have and how to quit smoking eventually. Shared about how I'm stressed over academic as well as impressing Yu Jun. Because there's still a part of me hoping to be with her even though I'm starting to feel like wanting to quit and stop. That's because her snaps are taking extremely long these days and mostly are 1 snap replies even though I sent like 3-4 snaps trying to get a conversation going... But we'll see as time goes on

Day 21 : Dog shelter ( OSCAS )

Dog shelter ( OSCAS )

Woke up early morning today to go to Pasir Ris MRT station to meet up with the representative of OSCAS to bring us to the shelter which is around...10 minutes away? We have to walk a distance there under the hot sun because there isn't any bus that goes around or near there. Hence, clueless as we go, I talked with the Leo Club Main Committee member, since they are usually more friendly and willing to speak to others. He's from BA and a year 2 student, so he is a year younger than me. Haha! he says he didn't know why he joined Leo Club and didn't really thought about it either. I guess he just did it for the CCA points huh? Hahaha! he doesn't seem to be of those who are interested in serving back to the community because he is more of a " plan as he go " kind of person. He told me that he didn't even knew why he pick his own course and why Ngee Ann Poly, its so unbelievable. I thought people usually get into course either because of their friends or interest or even just the school name itself. Oh! I too, saw Eve, a working colleague when I was working for Yomenya Goemon in Star Vista, she joined the event too and will be doing the same shift as I am. Though, we will be doing different jobs since I prefer to do things that requires more courage, she's more of a speaker than I am. Hence, I'd rather be in a cage than to speak about information and facts to the public. Arrived home with a heavy downpour, using my long sleeve shirt as a temporary umbrella and dash across the road to get shelter asap.... 

.

.

I missed you..

Day 20 : Revision

Revision

Waking up early today to go to the library for what was supposed a short revision on doing my tutorials over and try some Common Test papers along if I have the extra energy and focus to continue with my studying. Ended up, I took 4 and half hours just doing all my 3 modules of tutorials and I was sure, I wasn't at all slacking or taking it slowly. I really am focused in doing it properly by understanding in whatever I do and applying the formulas I written on a small notebook which helps me get by these kind of math questions faster than I have to flip the whole book for an equation. No idea what you have been doing today. Haha, you went for the usual 8 am driving lesson again and pretty much sleep and spend your day at home doing nothing? Hmmm, hope you might just do some read up and not just watch your drama and do nothing productive over the weekend... Afterall , common test is around the corner, and its year 3 which we can't afford to give up our GPA at this point of time. The only chance we have to either push it up or maintain. Dropping it at the final end is going to be at a big disadvantage for us. Hope to see you soon~

Day 18 : Finally a bond

Finally a bond

Finally, in like 4th week of school, we have a class Whatsapp group, however we only added people in but not a single one voiced out nor changed the display picture of the Whatsapp group. Hence though it is created, it is still a dead group with no pictures nor contact names in them. Well, I guess it is just a start and hopefully they will somehow not be girlish and have more guts to speak up than to only speak to people they are familiar with. 

I wish time can somehow stop, too many things are squeezing into this small time frame. Maybe it is because I didn't organise things according to their importance, and example will be like relationships. Of course, that is not important as I am still a student and definitely still young to think about such complicated stuff that can affect my focus and studies. But well, I think I am just attracted to you. In the past, I literally check out pretty girls when they walk by, now.. I see them around Ngee Ann or outside but I just look away after that. As if my heart is already attached to you, I'd rather spend 1 more minute looking at you than other girls who may look better than you. With that, am I able to say, I'm officially madly in love over your personality? Because your character is something that no second person is able to have. Your flaws are like dots on a paper and with the correct connections, it may look senseless by on lookers but to me, it is like a beautiful work of art where only I can understand. Definitely, there are times where you piss me off, haha! for being TOO friendly with guys I guess and always being the " okay " instead of saying " no ". But I guess that is something you are used to, hence not being able to turn someone down unless it is something you don't want to lie about. Mehh, when can the day where we love each other's hand as we walk with smiles and joy written all over our face? I really look forward to being that one guy who you can see a future with.

Day 16 : Fate

Fate

Ended IS a little later than usual and we ended up taking the same bus back to CCK. Initially asked if you went back and you say you were in the bus already so I thought maybe you were already in bus 67. Ended up you were at Shell kiosk still waiting for the bus. I can already recognise your perfume when I was waiting for bus 67 there. Probably my brain has already built a link to you so I can somewhat sense when you around. Had a short chat in the bus ride and hopefully you are doing fine in your course of study as well as maintaining the friendship with your classmates. There is just too many drama in Poly life I guess.. Love, betrayals, decisions are major factors to changing what we were to a devil. May we meet again when it comes to fate. 

Day 14 : Mothers' Day

Happy Mothers' Day

Its another day of the year where kids will start bragging about how well their beloved mother has took care of them and taking a selfie with them but the words used in social media will always, and I mean ALWAYS be insincere if we don't show it through actions everyday. Hence, I do not celebrate Mothers' day, since I do not treat my parents well only on their birthdays or special events. We, as children should do it everyday, so there isn't a point in his behaving only on special occasions just to cover the fact that we might be impolite to them sometimes, instead make it up by correcting our mistakes like our words used or attitude towards our parents. 

I think this blog is not going to be long-lasting since it was hitting at a peak of 20 over views before but now, its just 1-2 views at most, might be just some random people clicking on " next blog ". Oh well, this shall stay as a diary for me and maybe for her to read it when she's bored. Going to skip day 13 because there is nothing to talk about besides logging into bbdc every now and then to go get a slot for driving and waiting hours for her Snapchat replies. Yesterday and today, her replies can be up to 4 hours, and at 2 hours minimum even if I reply almost immediately after she sends hers. So far from what I know, her phone is always around with her unless she is studying or sleeping. However, I have to cross out studying because its only the second week of school and she won't start flipping those books of hers to make notes or even do revisions. She always rushes it only at the last week of break before the common test. Have to get used to it, since like what I believed, "Friends" only exists in the dictionary, I wouldn't want to trust someone in being there for me even though I always give my 100% in them. Whenever you need a listening ear or advice, you can find me. However, I don't think any will reciprocate that action. Hopefully, you will, one day be mine and then we can create our new adventures as well as memories together. All I can do now, is just to live and plan as how things go. Since I already proposed that we see once a month, but it just might destroy our knitted friendship because this means I can only see you 12 times in a YEAR!! I guess it easy said than done when I'm the one who is being attracted to you instead of the other way round. So, maybe... just maybe I might have to forget you all over again. But this time, I have no one to turn back to, no Christel to be my guard or anything. So, its a war I have to fight alone... Good luck, Fabien.

Day 12 : Good food = Go broke

Good food = Go broke

Had OPPA BBQ with some of the guys today, so we talked about relationships here and there as well as the type of girls that we are looking into. End up, I told Zhi Lin about my feelings for you because he was super curious about it. Oh! We too, talked about how pitiful Aaron is at the moment, because he seem to isolate himself to a corner in his class. Hearing from Dillon, the class didn't outcast him but instead Aaron wasn't paying attention in class and unlike our class since year 1 , we will accommodate to his unusual attitude, the new classmates doesn't care and will just ask him to shut up so he won't be boot licking the lecturers. Ughh, thinking about all that bacon and pork belly I ate yesterday, my stomach feels so bloated even taking a dump in the toilet which feel likes a rocket coming out of my anus. The food there is nice but 30 dollars for a meat buffet, definitely not so worth it but well, we don't have to worry bout drinks nor washing it. Yu Jun, don't worry. I actually researched about a vegetarian buffet since....like probably a month ago? So, maybe when we are both available, we can head down there to give it a try. However, I'm not sure if I will be able to remember it till then, since we will only be meeting at most once a month. Zhi Lin told me that in Vietnam, the both of you were tagged as the Viet couple because you both were very touchy to one another and Aaron keeps on sticking to you. I have no idea if you like the idea of people flirting with you or is it just that you are too over friendly which just worries me because it felt like I was being played. Then we went to a shop that sells headphones and suddenly he told me that you kept on using his Bose headphones which he brought there... I mean, why use his headphones? I thought you just bought a earpiece which too, has a good bass just without a noise cancellation. But... it's okay. Over thinking probably will just make my heart sank and emotional. So, just throwing everything in here, taking it as I'm saying these words to you when you read this blog post, probably a year later or never, but I'll just assume you will, one day.... 

I doubt we were even that physically close yet, a hug from you feels like I'm feeding you poison. But I too, have my heart beat raise 2x whenever I try to make physical contact with you. So, I'm totally confused... Will I ever have a chance? I'll wait for you even if it takes me to finish my University studies first before having your heart and also your parents consent just in case things will be all over because your parents won't allow you having a younger partner. 

Day 11 : Rest in peace

R.I.P

Just heard from my father that a very close friend of his, who I also knew since I was a very small kid, Gina just passed on to stroke at 29th April, so it was a few days ago. I can't find a reason to why god always wants to take the good people away so quickly. She's only 41 years old and she always put some cash aside to donate to an animal shelter so that stray dogs can have the basic necessities to survive. She even went on a trip to Europe to learn about making proper healthy dog food so that the dogs will be healthy. Unlike us, we're more likely to just throw them a packet of bee hoon and maybe some chicken wings for them to eat, but definitely it is unhealthy for him because of the extra sodium that they are taking in which exceeds the dog's intake. Their food source should be more cautious because dogs are more allergic to certain type of foods, hence more attention is needed to make the right mixture of food for them. I guess doing all good deeds doesn't mean a long life huh, like my grandmother, she didn't do any evil but also passed away at an age of 50+ because of her diabetes and many other illnesses. Well, it is very lucky that auntie Gina pass away without having to struggle for her life which will be a miserable death. At least, she died in her sleep, and I hope she goes to a better place where everything is all set and prepared for her. Rest in peace.

Shocked to see a snap coming in from Yu Jun today, she said she went jogging. Hmmm... I pondered for a moment, I remembered she has a weak stamina and today is Thursday and she went JOGGING?! Hahaha but I guess she really did since she went back home an hour ago and immediately went to bed. She must have worn out herself, oh well sweet dreams princess Yu Jun 

Day 10 : Midweek!

Midweek!

Time passes by so quickly and we are already halfway through the second week of school. Common tests falls on the fifth week I suppose. Time to start mugging, however applied thermodynamics gives me headache. The lecture note is very messy and doesn't really help unless I do the tutorials over and over again. Maybe I have to treat it like a module I did last semester, ESD, where I do the common test paper for 5 times over as revision just so I can better remember the steps to solving the questions. 

Finally got my final theory test ( FTT ) cleared too! Stuck in the damn evaluation set by the school for so long which is probably 10 times harder than the FTT itself. Scored 48/50 for the test which I only used 10 minutes of the total 50 minutes to complete it and a round of checking.

Can't stop myself but to complain about the weather these days. I tried every possible way to avoid being in the heat, however just 5-10 minutes of walking under the sun already have me drench with sweat. Well, not too much, hahaha but I perspire profusely around my forehead and my chest. These are two spots I always start to perspire first.

I too, proposed to Yu Jun about meeting once a month instead of me asking every night if we can go to school or go home together after school everyday and receiving some rejection and excuse along the way. So, why not every last Friday of the month or Saturday whichever seems fit, we can just go have dinner and maybe spend the night together before sending her back home. This way, I won't feel too attached and at the same time, we still get to go out together once in awhile. Win-win situation for me. Afterall, when internship starts next semester, there won't be a chance to meet her unless its the weekend, provided we are done with our weekly reports and plans with family/friends too. Things will get hectic as the semester goes, more work and projects will start pushing us to the limit where our weekends and hours of sleep turn into research and google docs to go work together. That is all for today, nothing interesting nor stories to tell, probably because of the switch in classmates and they just aren't as fun as the ones who left. I'm used to having people with the same frequency with me, daring to speak up, humorous, smart and some parts of clumsiness in their actions. 

Day 9 : Persistence VS Being a pest

Persist VS Pest

Tried asking you out to go to school and go home together every single chance I get but I guess I'm slowly turning into a pest after numerous excuses and rejections which definitely didn't feel good. Well, when projects and more work will be coming in, I'm just afraid I won't be able to provide all these until the semester ends then. I always cherish every second we spend together in our journey to school last semester where we always share things we may not have told others about. I feel that is like the time we really knit our close bonds, we trust one another and share our rants to one another so we can understand ourselves and opinions to make ourselves better. Driving today was kinda ridiculous, I think I drove pretty well, but end up only 2 passes instead of 3, which means tomorrow I have to drive well to get 3 chops so that I won't have to waste a slot just for 1 chop before its stage review... I guess BBDC just want to scam our money, theory lesson was free in my parents time but now its so expensive and worst still, it's useless. It did not help my theory test a single bit and end up I have to dig out answers by myself or from internet sources. I hope I pass my FTT tomorrow at one go, so I don't have to book another slot again and worry if I can pass the next. 

Hope tomorrow will be a better day though, having only Applied Thermodynamics class, lecture,tutorial and practical, all on the same day. Tried the tutorial myself but don't know if it is the correct answer because there isn't an answer key for us to check our answers to the questions. Time to be a nerd and start revising? Maybe I should, but I'm still lazying around, trying to procrastinate as much as I can.

Day 8 : Labour Day

Labour Day

Minutes passes by like seconds and hours drift by like minutes. A holiday which seems shorten due to the long lasting and heavy rain which means that we all are trapped at home and left waiting for the next time the sun emerges out from the dark clouds that are taking over the west side of Singapore. The unpredictable weather is probably the worst of all traits in global warming, usually in May-June season, we will be experiencing warmer temperature than the rainy season which should fall on year end. Luckily, we didn't planned to go out otherwise I would have a sulky look the whole afternoon. Afterall, I don't like having my plans screwed by the weather. However, today's holiday is pretty meaningless, we don't have anything to revise on nor adventures to make, waste of time listening to songs and playing phone games. How great will it be if I am able to go out with multiple friends everyday and not worrying about how much money I have left after the day. Having to check on how much I have in my wallet and deciding where to go just pisses me off. I mean, why is everything in Singapore so expensive. Meals in town can already cost a bomb if you were to set up a date and eat in a restaurant which isn't all that "atas". Fashion too, makes us having to buy clothes that are either brands that people recognise or people who can't afford more than 3 pieces of it. Everything in this world is about money, even making friends requires a play of your money. Being able to go clubbing which probably will cost 90 over dollars a night. I can't do it every week since my allowance is just 60 a week. I will overspend it sometimes as well, just to get good food which I then have to save some the following week. UGH! One day, I'll be successful and provide big and sturdy shelter for my parents and family as well as not worrying even when we are blindly picking out things and spending as and when we want..

Spend some quality time with my family, watching 蜡笔小新 and some chit chat about life, well it just the norms of a family day isn't it. I hope I can just complete my driving lessons asap... Don't wish to drag it to the very back and having to renew my PDL for another 25 dollars.

Day 7 : Stop & Stare

Stop & Stare

Today, she has an event at the temple she always goes to every Sunday. I guess it will be busy for her today, so I already expected that replies will come in at a very slow pace. No rush, care less, live better. Seems like we will not be going out on Monday because you want a rest day. To be honest, I'm kinda relieved that is so, because I can't come up with a plan of where to go and what to do. Singapore is just too small, entertainment around here can be explored within our 2 months of school break EASILY, in fact. Most of the attractions are either parks, or pools that aren't suit for the current weather now. Heavy and downpours with the sun out there to kill us with heat stroke and make us all sweaty and uncomfortable. Unless, we have a car to travel around, but of course I won't even be driving any of my friends with my parents car, I'll only do it if it is my own. That's because I wouldn't want anything to happen to it and it will be best to not leave a single scratch mark on the seats too, haha. I guess I can only plan for a trip with you, to somewhere nearby or maybe Hong Kong. Well, I can't speak Cantonese but well, you do! Haha! Also, I've went there countless times to be able to travel around the place easily so long I do my itinerary of where to go and how to. But will it be okay with you? Since we aren't a couple nor do you have any feelings for me. Will it be awkward if we were to share a room and go on an overseas trip, with just us? No idea how will it sound like to you in the future but...yeah, going on a trip with you seems interesting for me because we can go around places we can explore and learn as well as we will have no curfew nor limitations to our spending(though of course we will still be limited to how much money we brought). Shall make a silent prayer that one day, it will come true. Oh, and what I said I will not chase you if you said not to, you may think that I'm still chasing you, but... maybe not? I'm just trying to change your mind by showing you what I can give to you. So, no hard feelings even if 2 years later, you still don't have anything on me then we are still best of friends and soulmates where we share secrets and do heart to heart talks on our journey to school, back home or a date together.

Yay, going Old Changi Road for dinner later, heard the food there not bad, but Idk what is it famous for. Oh well, hope it isn't packed though because it is a public holiday tomorrow. Haha, OMG WHAT am I doing during the weekend sia... I guess I'm a boring person if I don't go out " gai gai " or go to parks and take pictures of nature we aren't usually exposed to.

End up going to Chomp Chomp for a feast, eat until stomach going to 爆炸, oh my god, the food we ordered was too much, hence it is my brother and I to finish them up again, I guess tomorrow I have to check on my calories count again so that I can maintain my weight,otherwise I will be back to 75 or higher....