Day 12: Quiet monday

 Well, tutorial for 1030-1130 got cancelled and well pretty much another quiet Monday once again. Can't imagine how things will go.. It was only last Thursday that we stopped texting.. so it is effectively 4 days that we did not text, but it already felt like weeks and months have past by. Kind of wanted to ask you for lunch together but... I don't know if it will be a wise choice at all.. or its just going to be a rejection.. so I think I will just eat in my room alone instead while I watch my shows... I think I'd better be giving you space since it might just be the last straw or whatever it may be.. I miss your smile, your stupid jokes and whatever things you do just to get my attention.. We used to be able to cuddle every Sunday nights and Mondays we just eat together because we end pretty much around the same time on Mondays... But well, I can only wait to eat by myself these days.

Day 11: I don't know if I should continue hoping it'll work

To be honest, I don't know if I should continue hoping that we will get back together. It all seem like I am holding on to a thread that was already cut loose.. I'm not sure if you have been thinking about me while we have not been texting at all since Thursday morning. Is there really nothing that we can talk through to salvage this relationship? As time goes on and distance widens, I am actually more than just afraid that we will drift apart further than friends. There is in fact, a high possibility of us being total strangers after this. I have to endure until 1st December before I can make a move, and I am not even sure if that will allow us to discuss if we can get another chance back together. What if I am just delusional such that only I am looking forward for us to patch back together while you are busy moving on and actually trying to live your life without me in your life. If you can live your life in peace, without me for 2 months +, I'm pretty sure you will also be used to the routine that you have set for yourself along those days when I wasn't around... I still want to try and get you back, knowing that I have a very slim chance of doing so, but I really want to give it another shot. Just that sometimes, I feel like I want to text you at random times of the day, just to check in on you. Today, I even thought of texting your sister to check in on you as well as a possibility if she will help me when the time comes that I will come and chase you back to get you back by my side. I know that I am probably not worth it back then, but I feel like I am able to achieve the best qualities of myself by changing my temper as well as making sure that I should actually show love more physically than through the buying of gifts or food. Here is a picture of us going to the Singapore quarry and our little kiss photo. I don't want any of this to end... Will we actually have to move on without each other in our lives? What if I got rejected after valentines day? Do I still try again? I really have no plans after that, if I fail.. I really will have no idea how it will be like to just move on like nothing happened... like we have never even existed in each other lives. I know that your decision should be respected and I should not forcefully ask for a patch back as well.. but isn't the break up a little too sudden for me to handle? We haven't quarreled for very long, and in fact like we have not quarreled into something very big these days and I actually thought we would go all the way.. I really hope that you will miss me through the days that we do not text.. and hopefully things will be better after this... such that, you still have feelings for me and wouldn't mind giving it another try for our relationship to restart.

 

Day 8: Saying our goodbye (?)

 

Well, interesting week I guess? For a moment, I thought that things would have worked out somehow when I texted her how I feel about her. She was kind of worried if our parents will look at the relationship differently if we patched back together.. But seems like she just wanted for us to stop texting for awhile. I got really mad, wanted to block her on both telegram and whatsapp, for a moment, even on instagram because I felt so enraged, so mad that why would she not give me a chance to redeem myself when I had given her a chance to do so in the past. Furthermore, I have actually stepped down from my pride and ego, I literally went around like a dog to try and understand what I have done wrong, to look into the solution of why she is hating me so much. I try to solve them but is this just creating a denial in myself such that I will continue in this endless solo journey. I really love you, and I will give up partial of my world for you. But would you have done the same? I know that I am not perfect, I am flawed. Definitely, but everyone is flawed too, and if it is something that can be changed, mostly is my bad temper, why can't you just allow me to change that attitude for once and allow me to prove that even a wild boar can also be tamed. It won't be easy but never say that it is impossible.

But whatever it is, I will give her the space she needs and well.. I will not text her for the time being. Who knows, I may just never text her again like how I mentioned in the text. Because there is always a higher possibility of becoming strangers when we do not keep conversations going, or even talk to one another. I have now lost a girlfriend, and a friend overall. I am sad, I am annoyed, and I am not moving on from this. I am stuck in this bear trap, in pain and in suffering. I can only try to manage this pain by looking ahead and try to not look at the pictures of us anymore. Furthermore, I will also not be texting her, so I might as well not check on her last seen and whatsoever. Might even try to minimize myself from checking in on her from Brian. Because it feels like I have always been the one trying to salvage whatever is there and I don't hear from Brian about how she wanted to know more about me. Like how I have been doing and so on. All she does now is talk about her modules' presentation and report writing. It feels as though like she has never been into a relationship with me afterall. Everything feels like a dream and that bubble I thought would practically keep me sane, is actually making me feel worse inside.

Day 5 : Was it too much impulse?

 Well, yesterday night didn't go too well as I thought it would.. I went on an impulse and climbed up to her room and gave her a hug.. Which she leaned back and pushed me away almost immediately.. I think there's a possibility of her already moved on from the relationship such that she has no longer any feelings left for me and that me hugging her was almost like an assault done by any stranger or drunkard. I have never felt so disappointed in a hug before, such that what was supposedly normal in the past, can turn out to be something so awkward and wrong. Should I have done none of those? I really want the fire to continue burning despite being away from her. I know that if I leave her as it is, feelings will definitely fade as the time spent together is already kept to a minimum such that we have little to no interaction with one another. She also didn't want to have lunch together, the reason was that she was tired and she wanted to take a nap (not sure how true that will be) but well, I can only accepted the fact that I may have fucked up yesterday.. I apologized to her though I also said that I will wait for her.. but i also know that she is busy with her school work and assignments that are bound to due within this week and the week after. I just hope that she is doing alright in class as well because she has to juggle with the number of projects while attending seminars which is bound to crash into one another. She does seem to not have sufficient sleep these days, every day she sleeps at like 2+am or later but wakes up earlier than me, even on weekends (before 9am). I am rather.. surprised that she can still work on so much project and presentations.. Not sure if she is really doing them or that she is actually talking to other guys during this whole period, which also explains the distance that is created between us to be much faster... I still missed her a whole lot...  Here is another picture of her for today :)

Day 3 : Looking forward

 Well, it is only the 3rd day after closure, and really I feel less empty at least because we still text once in a while.. Though I really had wish we can text much more like we do in the past, but I know that I should not be putting more or any pressure on you as this may affect my chances in the future. Times are tough, and it will only allow the tougher to overcome these times. I know that you will probably not text me if I don't text you first, though you say you would if you have something to ask me or just to ask if I am doing okay. But well, I will still check in on you once in a while because, personally it is tough for me to just move on with these feelings held in me. Cant wait for the day when I'll actually shoot my shot once again. As much as I am able to control my feelings better now, I still love you very much and am just pretty much trying to make myself busy by doing random stuff which don't make any sense. I also try to put exercising into my routine if the weather and time allows me to. I have also reflected on the things that we can try to do better if we are back together as a couple, though it will also be on your end if you will want to try it all over again. I was really hoping for you to text me first because that will really make me feel wanted instead of feeling unloved. I'm not sure if you have moved on from our relationship entirely and making excuses like you are busy with work or you really just immersed yourself into your project and school work such that you really don't keep track of time and your phone as often... Well, another picture of you today, but this is exactly how i feel like right now, when i look at our pictures together..

Day 1 of Priscila broke up with me

 

Day 1 (21^st Oct)

1 day after closure, well in just less than 24hrs, I felt so much pain, disappointment as well as emptiness all in 1 day. Despite being busy since morning when I have equipment assessment test in the morning at 930am and only come back to hall at 3pm. The feeling of emptiness overwhelmed me as the quietness fills the room. Every day, without fail, we meet for lunch/dinner as well as our late-night walks to giant or just around hall for at least 1 hour. Things that I have took granted for, always felt it was a chore to go out and walk but now it becomes a habit such that I casually look forward to every 11pm or later where we would possibly go on walks and enjoy the quiet breeze in hall. Now, I cannot enjoy the quietness in hall anymore as the breeze becomes a catalyst for making me tear up when I remember bout how it was before we officially got together in the first place. As hot and humid the weather may be, we would meet at the car gantry or bus stop without fail and talk bout our day for hours.. even sneaking a few pecks of kisses and hugs during the session. I thought you were very busy with project and didn’t ask much bout how you were, maybe that’s why you felt unloved. I just thought of not speaking about the workload because it may come across as another stressful thought. I should have just stopped and kissed you on the spot, kissing is probably something we have not done for so long too. Though its like that, I actually am shocked when you asked to break up last Wednesday (13 Oct) when I thought our relationship was rather healthy. It also because that we didn’t quarrel for at least 1 month and pretty much nothing would’ve triggered to you ending on our relationship. So, I guess it was an accumulated problems in our relationship that has brought it to the end of our relationship. Well, I have yet to move on from our relationship. As much as I will like to move on, I still cant let go of us… Maybe in time to come, we may find our significant other OR maybe we may just get back together after gaining more wisdom. Though, I quite uncertain about how we will be like, since things will be quite awkward as friends even.. how will we even move forward such that I can convince you to try for another relationship. Whatever it is, I have no control over the future and I shall just move on and take a step forward into the future without you for now.. It’s a fracture in my heart, but I hope you do know that I really loved you, very much. This was the place we dated and last picture we had together as a couple.. I'm sorry Priscila for not being enough and practically oblivious of the subtle hints that you probably have given me along the way...