Day 8: Saying our goodbye (?)

 

Well, interesting week I guess? For a moment, I thought that things would have worked out somehow when I texted her how I feel about her. She was kind of worried if our parents will look at the relationship differently if we patched back together.. But seems like she just wanted for us to stop texting for awhile. I got really mad, wanted to block her on both telegram and whatsapp, for a moment, even on instagram because I felt so enraged, so mad that why would she not give me a chance to redeem myself when I had given her a chance to do so in the past. Furthermore, I have actually stepped down from my pride and ego, I literally went around like a dog to try and understand what I have done wrong, to look into the solution of why she is hating me so much. I try to solve them but is this just creating a denial in myself such that I will continue in this endless solo journey. I really love you, and I will give up partial of my world for you. But would you have done the same? I know that I am not perfect, I am flawed. Definitely, but everyone is flawed too, and if it is something that can be changed, mostly is my bad temper, why can't you just allow me to change that attitude for once and allow me to prove that even a wild boar can also be tamed. It won't be easy but never say that it is impossible.

But whatever it is, I will give her the space she needs and well.. I will not text her for the time being. Who knows, I may just never text her again like how I mentioned in the text. Because there is always a higher possibility of becoming strangers when we do not keep conversations going, or even talk to one another. I have now lost a girlfriend, and a friend overall. I am sad, I am annoyed, and I am not moving on from this. I am stuck in this bear trap, in pain and in suffering. I can only try to manage this pain by looking ahead and try to not look at the pictures of us anymore. Furthermore, I will also not be texting her, so I might as well not check on her last seen and whatsoever. Might even try to minimize myself from checking in on her from Brian. Because it feels like I have always been the one trying to salvage whatever is there and I don't hear from Brian about how she wanted to know more about me. Like how I have been doing and so on. All she does now is talk about her modules' presentation and report writing. It feels as though like she has never been into a relationship with me afterall. Everything feels like a dream and that bubble I thought would practically keep me sane, is actually making me feel worse inside.