1 Year & 42 days (Or it could have been 3 years anniversary)

 Hello.. once again. ☺,

    Since I am on a long sick leave today, by chance I looked at the date and it is 24 November again. The day in 2019 that I got the best looking bouquet from the florist, in my parents car and on the way to your piano recital with Amanda tan and friend. It was also the day that I asked for you to be my girlfriend because I know my feelings then have already been true for you and want to forge the most beautiful future with you. I think.. you will have already forgotten how much 24 Nov meant to us and 2 more days, which is my birthday. I have no expectations of anything since we have already separated for more than a year.. and have broken off all contacts since April and the last email we shared was in July as well. I have made no intention to continue the email as well because I felt that I'm not ready to accept the end of the relationship which I have put 101% into. Even recently in October, when I seen you and our mutual friends' instagram story when I see Javin was joining you and the others in SengKang to eat, something still boils deep down and made my stomach churn. As much as I wish to be able to accept that you are gone for good, I cannot accept the fact that I am being replaced by someone of insignificance and quality as compared to me. Hence, I have reconsidered on the time to make contact with you and decided that it will be better if I hold off this opportunity of making contact with you even though it may seem like the best time to do so. But I have decided to completely let you go, and not have any intention or mindset of getting you back as a girlfriend. 

    Work has been getting easier as the weeks go by, things are falling into place as I have gain more knowledge on the work as well the business process of how things should be done so that I won't have to do everything when it is the responsibility of others. I have already been in this job for nearly 4 months now, time surely feel like it was sped up when I am busy with my own work. The thought of missing my ex girlfriend has been kept at its minimum as well, but whenever I think of her, I don't whine about it anymore, neither do I feel the urge to want to get drunk because of what happened. It still aches but it doesn't hurt like a fresh wound anymore. I just want to make things right even it still means that we will never be as close as we were, even as a fellow freshmen we knew each other during our hall orientation camp. We have all grown in our different ways which led to this separation, the people that we have interacted, we trusted, we listened to, have given us many different opinions that may or may not be a good one have molded us into a couple that was sweet at the start but could not last in the long run. If we were still as innocent and does not do things with an intention, maybe we could have had a better relationship. I will believe that we have separated due to the inferiority of one of us achieving more than the other, and hence being left behind. I know that when I was behind Priscila in terms of academic, I felt disappointment in myself, felt like I was useless, because I could never compare with her in terms of financial status, so I felt like I have to be better in at least one item, which was then only sports/games. I was only better at that one thing just because I was more athletic than her, so I studied super super hard to be better than her. I would then persuade myself that I am trying to get better grades to be her role model so that we can work towards a common goal of being the better versions of ourselves, but in the current now that I think about it, was I also affected by thus, inferiority complex, when your partner is achieving more and is always compared by your parents whatever and it makes you feel like you're nowhere near your partner. I understand she was also working very hard to be better in terms of academics but I believe it wasn't showing results because she was too consumed by many distractions in life such as wanting to stay up late to be with friends and have a social life, followed by earning side income by teaching tuition at least 2 times a week, and also a weekly volunteering CCA which she participated as a sub-committee in. These extra time which could have been better used in revision was wasted in doing something which we, students, think that it is important for our portfolio. But in actual fact, so little of it was questioned/mentioned during my job interview as those CCA play so little in our roles as a potential candidate to join in a fast-paced environment. 

    Looking back at what I  could have done better, will be to not stress her out in my constant revision, I will still do my due diligence of revision but I will not stress her by mentioned about studying even during the weekends. I am a goal oriented person and I never liked to lose, therefore I was also mean and harsh to her when I was playing games with her which I think I will have to work on my temper on those stuff. I guess these are the reflections for today and maybe it won't be long before the next blog post. Well, I hope everyone stays safe and for those still heartbroken and unable to leave their ex, they'll be able to understand that in every breakup, there is a part to play by both parties even how minor the mistake may be. 

"She had a King, but she the moment she decided to discard and reshuffle, all she got now are Jokers."

Day: 365.. +2 days

    Time just flew by so quickly, it has already been a year since I was your boyfriend, things are starting to feel much calmer than before. Though there are still days where I will still think of how you are doing, wanting to find out if you're still single and what not, I held myself back to not contact you for the time being even though I don't dislike or hate you in any way.

    Work has been stressful since I have to learn to juggle both training as well as work because the tool that I was assigned to, SEM, is definitely not simple but unfortunately they have always never allocated a backup team member for this equipment. Hence, even while Micron has mass hired so many new hires into the department, I am still doing this equipment alone and everyone else just has the impression that it is a simple task just because they haven't been into this specific job role itself. The learning of this equipment is easy, but the social skills, the inter-relation skillset that I will need to speak to my technicians, engineers, senior engineers, vendors and sometimes even managers that are from another department to explain the problems that I will face as well as to give alternative solutions to their problem statement. 2 months and a half into this job, I can definitely feel the stress slowly piling up as the training phase is over and more expectations from bosses and senior engineers are slowly pouring in. The trainings provided are also irrelevant to me as a tool owner as they are more targeted towards process owners. I have also not been meeting my friends for a while now, because everyone is just so busy with work. But I believe that once you have started working, the whole planning of saving money becomes so much more complicated. You'll look at how much you will spend and save in the month that you will do minimally, because I try my best to minimize my spending in the first month but I have also spend $1k in just the basic stuff of buying some nice food, maybe a couple of drinks with a friend in the month. This is followed by the mountain of monthly payment to insurance as well as investment that I will have to put in every month. Have also made some calculations on how much money I will need to earn just to be able to afford a first hand car with a loan. It feels kind of impossible at this current century, such that car with COE is about 150-200k. Just the a 40% downpayment is going to make me broke immediately. Assuming 200k with 40% downpayment is already 80k cash which I don't have. and the next 60% is on bank loan with an interest of >3%. Just by looking at the downpayment itself, I will rather just be taking a grab to and fro from work. But oh well whatever, too early to make these spending decisions.

     Well, back to the topic. I do hope that we will keep in touch next time when we are more matured and definitely be able to smile and have a good dinner together instead of having tensed up moments of the past. Our time together was a memorable one at least for me, it has caused me pain but I'll say if I didn't loved you and got together with you from the start, I will have regretted even more.

Day 315: 3 Weeks into adulthood

    Its already 3 weeks of work into Micron when the New Hire Training is also coming to an end and proper On Job Training will commence on 29 Aug. Met a few new people in Micron who are from NUS MSE, well I think they are very nice to have included me into their clique so that I won't be so lonely for my classes, lunch as well as on the way home. However, just recently, I felt quite tired while being around them sometimes, such that I have to try to integrate myself into their clique so as to seek validation from them. Maybe I have been trying to impress Qian Ning from the start because of her looks? I think I will have to realign my focus to doing well at work instead of looking for a relationship in my workplace. She is cute but, definitely her lifestyle is something I will never want to see in my lifelong partner. Her spending habits were quite bad such that she said her bank is about to hit $500 at one point. If I want to achieve the same financial goal as I wanted it to be, her spending habits will only prolong my goals and probably be a burden in my wallet anyway. She is also very well liked by many, especially guys which creates an insecurity in myself as well. However, to put it.. somehow I felt maybe I will prefer a more toned down personality who will not attract too much attention.. I felt that it is definitely just an infatuation and probably Qian Ning is just an 'eye candy', therefore I should also realise that she might be someone that I wouldn't want to date in the first place. Its hard to understand girls nowadays, I feel exhausted just by interacting in Micron at times, feeling that I will also want the extra time to space out at work if I can though it shouldn't be the case since it is only training period and the real work hasn't even started.

    To be honest, I haven't even think of Priscila for the longest time so far, but I definitely do miss the times when I can just ask her to meet at the lobby of hall 11 to ask for a long silent hug and I can just rant about how shitty my day is. She will listen attentively to the things I have in mind that is keeping me awake and try to console me in a way that doesn't make me feel disrespected. Well, I do miss her smiles hence I really do hope that without my existence, she can smile much more now. I definitely hated the fact that she has cheated on me emotionally way before the break up, but I guess it is a phase that I have walked away from and never looking back. All I want to do, is to believe that this is for the better as of that moment and maybe things were all very chaotic and shouldn't have stayed together since then. 50 more days to the "Break up Anniversary", hahaha! feels so surreal that I am actually counting down the days as if I am supposed to be celebrating this day which I am not planning to. I can still remember the days when I tortured myself with lots of alcohol, cigarettes and just not doing anything efficiently. Literally no mood to study so I just lie on bed all day and thinking of what I can do to get her attention when I really should have left her alone and done my own things and work on myself to move on. I'm glad that I have walked out of it... ☺

Day 291: D-1 to Full time job position

    Time has passed by each day miraculously quickly while I was serving back my 3 months owed of National Service. I was also taking a long 2 weeks leave before my de-kit day and here I am, a few hours away from my first day in the job at Micron as a Process Integration Engineer. Also, being at 291 days after the break-up, has forced myself to grow into a different version of myself. I have been into a few "dates" with girls I used to hang out with in the past, and at the start, I was being very possessive as well because I believe I was seeking that validation from them as I have just suffered from a heartbreak, probably the first proper heartbreak. But this time, I have learnt many lessons from these experiences, it is always better to keep a distance between the guy and girl, such that there is a mystery for each other to find out about each other. Also, to take note to not let myself be so easily succumb to temptations and greed. 

    These few days has been the "hardest" for the longest time since April to be exact because of the numerous times I have seen her in my Instagram stories. Where she attended the convocation for the NBS hall friends, while at the same time Javin is there as well with a balloon which seems very much like what Priscila will buy for her partner. I felt no anger, just a bit of a disappointment as she could have been the one to take many pictures with at my convocation.. We were a hall 11 couple, where we have shared treasured memories in various spots in school and hall. Yun Nan Garden, Hall 11 entrance, NBS xiao long bao area... these were the few locations that I wanted to take pictures with you for my convocation but for now.. it is better for me to not see you for the time being. This is so that both of us can properly forget about the insecurity and desperate version of me when you decided that 13th October will be the day of the break up. There is probably still a little piece of me that wish all of this is a dream and that, things will just be the way it was when we were still happily in our honeymoon period. I don't need the attention from other girls to feel happy, and you know it as well otherwise I will have been out with many other girls while we were still in the relationship together. 

    In another 2 months and 13 days, will be the full 1 year that we have separated from each other's life... And I guess it is truly heartbreaking that something could have been made into fireworks, was in fact just fireflies that are only made to survive and look pretty in the night, but has a short lifespan that only can survive until night ends. Or maybe we were just couples that met at the right time when we needed someone to accompany for the duration of our university life but not the right person and hence we parted ways when you have found that other half you may have wanted to have. I guess instead of all words for this entry, I shall include a happy and cute picture of you. I wish the both of us happiness in whatever the outcome of our relationship shall be..

Day 231 : Embrace for a quieter life but remember that I am never alone

Days turn into months and months turn into nearly a year. Well, it has been quite a long time since I last spoke to her through text. 21 April 2022 was the day I decided to cut off all contacts from her, hence I blocked her entire social media profiles which includes Facebook, Instagram, Whatsapp, Telegram. I have decided to not remove the network from LinkedIn as we won't talk in that platform anyway. I have been living much happier these days as I feel that I am not burdened by the fact that she is not texting me and is in fact texting someone else. Though there are some contacts which I felt very disappointed that we also lose the friendship at the end of university for example Shu Zhen. For no reason, she is not replying to any of my text and basically ignoring all my text for some reason. Tried to ask her why, but to no avail as she does not even open the messages nor try to reply them. I guess such is life, and I am pretty sure that even my poly friends also did not stay even when I thought we could be the closest bunch of friends as we were classmates for 3 whole years. Much less to say for someone that I only contacted probably twice or less in the whole duration that I have known her/them.

I have also stopped contacting my friends in hall as I feel that they are just going on a two-faced when they can still be happy hanging around with her when they very well know that she cheated on me. I felt that as friends, they shouldn't be encouraging her way of doing things? If I have a friend who cheated on their partner of 2 years, I will be very disappointed honestly, and I know them the same duration as my ex gf did, so it not like I am asking them to forsake their long ago friendship just because she isn't as interested in me as she used to be. Oh well, enough ranting because I don't actually feel sad or angry about the break up anymore. I have come to terms that the relationship has ended with her because she was not putting in the same effort as I was giving and she has decided to cheat on me when she has actually decided to confide to this guy about the problems in the relationship. But anyways, I will just take the next relationship slower and not dive too deep into something that was shaky in the first 6 months. Just gonna try to stay positive in life and look forward to getting an offer from my first job employment.

Day 175 : Accepting 'Nothing' for closure

     It is 6 April 2022 today, with 1 more study week after this, coming to an end of my University life. I will like to believe that I have more happy memories than sad and unhappy ones during the course of these 3 years in NTU. At least, I was happy for the 2 years while I was pursuing this degree while dating, and was spending time being happy with the person I thought would've wanted to stay with me too. I know that I have given my all, and definitely did not give her anything less than all of my love. I am tempted by other girls that I met along the way but I held back and did not disappoint, but I guess she was given a test by god and guess what, she was lured away by someone of lower caliber than me. It is okay for me to feel shitty after all that mess, I can be sad, but for not for too long because I also know that she will not look back anymore as I have been keeping track of the steps we took away from each other and realised that she has never once looked back at me and wanted things to work out even as friends. Since she did not have the time to grieve over the end of the relationship since she was immediately given so much attention by the desperate one such that she was infatuated to him. It feels like a joke off an avengers movie or something where I was being so angry at myself for the mistakes she had done and me wanting and wishing her the best even though how much she has hurt me throughout these 6 months since the break up in 13 October 2021. I think I have never been so nice and kind to someone in my life, I have always been the act blur live longer and definitely not someone who dwell over spilled milk. Just that this time, I think I have really invested so much more into the relationship that I feel so empty when it is all gone. It almost like a trust fund that I invested 100% with my money, only for it to be torn down and I get nothing in return.

     I have to learn that no matter how much I love someone, they may not love me the same way I do. In fact, I have to love myself so much more than to love someone else because it is always never fair in reality. I should never fall in love too deep and too quick because this will only cause me to be weak and be too nice to people that don't deserve my best. I felt that this relationship have taught me that not everything we have is permanent, when she was the one who loved so much more as compared to me in the relationship, but as the relationship has progressed, it seemed that I was putting in more and more effort but she took out the effort she used to put in as she was tempted by the freshness of knowing someone new. An unfortunate ending for my University life I guess. But well, today is just one of those days that I feel she isn't worth my time to be so sad about, I have reflected upon my mistakes and did my best to fix them when I have finally dug out the reason as to why she want to break up with me. 

    I am glad that through these days of writing physically into my lecture pad as well as into these blog posts have really made me feel so much better than I was before. I guess penning down my thoughts have really helped me in keeping my sanity. Afterall, this is probably the only platform that no one knows who I am and I am able to freely express myself over poor grammar and sentence structure. Thank you blogspot I guess? Hahaha

Day 96: I'm still loosing hanging onto that thread

 After 3 months+ of dealing with this break up phase, I am still unable to budge from where I was. Though, I can say that I have probably improved my ways of dealing with the ache in my heart but I think I am still a very long way from healing because I know that deep down, I still want her to be mine. I won't exactly say that I have changed my bad habits but I think I have come with solutions as to dealing situations with different approach and all that. Priscila said that I wasn't able to provide her with a sense of security when I was with her though I never kept in contact with people like from NTUC or the girl from my intern (the one at intern is really shocking because I don't even talk to her as much at work, and its definitely gone after the internship too.) Well, I am trying to get her to go out with me on one of Sunday during the recess week, which is exactly 1 month from now. I really do hope that she can consider giving me an opportunity to make things less awkward because if the friendship can only be relied by going out as group, I don't think it will be built to last, because I have seen too many big groups or cliques that fall out after a graduation or separation due to many living in different walks of life. This can be very certain as we will all graduate and move into our different prospect of life based on that jobs and responsibilities that we will have to burden. As much as I really do wish that I can get more opportunities to be around her, I also know the limits of my opportunities that she will still not have any feelings for me just because of what I have done when we were in a relationship.

I don't know what was the thing that actually made her heart flutter when I first chased her, was it my over-powering confidence that made her love me? That now she only sees in Javin or other guys that doesn't actually care for her? I believe and know that I have done much much more than the other guys she has interacted with. The guys who knew her for a year over and whatsoever, shouldn't be willing to be able to sacrifice as much as I am willing to. I know that I am putting myself into such a big risk that this man-hole might be something that I am unable to climb out from. But, will it be worth it? I don't know but for now, if I am able to get on her good side, yes I do feel that it will be worth it because I think I am unable to get over her. I know that many will say that it will be alright and you will learn to love another person when the time is right, but why is it that moving on is so difficult even when I have tried to hate someone so badly? Is it even possible to be a friend of someone you truly love and want them to be your soulmate, be your everything. I really don't know my true intentions. I know that if I am unable to do so, I may also lose the friendship all over in the future because I will not be able to handle the fact that she will meet someone else and has never considered me again even though I have changed and have become more successful or whatever. I think I'll just have to wait patiently for a miracle to happen or realised that I have loved the person since the start