Day 41: Closure talk with Pris (with Brian and Chun Kai)

 So, after their final paper today, wanted to speak to Priscila alone after their mahjong session but Priscila suddenly said no and also that she feel that there is nothing to speak because she does not want to patch things back. Got a little flustered so I told Brian and CK to help me get to speak to her while they also be there to listen in and give advice for the both of us and also to give a closure to the relationship and what is up next. 

She says that nature talk its own course, Yes.

She says that she used to still have feelings for me before I called her a cheater, Yes, though she still isn't sure that things will patch back or not. But now, its a no. It seems that rushing this, is possibly the "wrong" step I guess. Usually, we want to keep things burning while the relationship is still fresh especially if the break up is still very recent. I have now no say in whatever she does, even the guys if she wants to meet or date. I am encouraged to move on, as well as EVEN if I really want to chase her in the future. I have to think:
1. What is it that I really love about her? Is it just because of wasted time, or is it really true that I love her from the bottom of my heart. 

2. Am I prepared to face the reality that even if someday, I have changed and she accepted me but if I were to be short-tempered at one point of time, she may still bring up about this past, and history will repeat itself?

3. She can also reject me like any other guys that can come chasing for her. Like she can reject to any opportunity that I set up for, a lunch/exercise/movie date. She has the right to say No and I have no choice but to live with it.

4. Since there is no expiry date to how things can go, there can also be a possibility that I have to take months, years or may not even chase her back while seeing her go with another man.

Guess the plan for 8 Dec will also be put to a halt and probably will not go along with it at all.. Since I don't think these few months will be enough healing time for either of us. Well, time to reflect on these questions ONLY after a few months ba then I guess can write a letter for her in a well decorated paper next time? Shall just allow herself to her own space and well, I shall also live in mine, back to when I did not meet her and didn't rely on her so often... 

This may very well be the last post for this relationship so that I can really move on from her without having any new thoughts of her...

Day 35 : Finished first paper

Well... Its our "second anniversary", today... How I wish I could be able to say that to you today, saying how much I love you and a Happy 2nd anniversary... But well.. No idea how far we can go for now.. You have already opened your doors to others, while I am still at base 1 where I am still clueless as to where to go beside knowing that I really want you back... I miss you, I miss the hugs, the kisses, the small chats we have at night, the time we really smile and laugh at the slightest things. We really enjoyed the company of one another. And though it seems like you have already moved on entirely where you really don't need me, I'm not sure if I am ready to move on just like you did. I just hope for a few chances to go out with you, to show how much I really care and love you, for you to know and hopefully giving me another chance at salvaging our relationship. Today, after the paper, I have waited for 3 hours but still no reply because you have another paper, C Law, tomorrow.. So, I guess I should be patient and just wait for an answer when you are free.. Though I know you have been on and off on your telegram, hopefully asking and answering questions from your friends... Though you said you have no friends in your class but I really hope that you are just asking questions and not... flirting with other guys yea... The guy that was studying in your room, you said to let nature take its own course when I asked if you have feelings for him. You said that and also you said that you have not thought about it. To be honest, I was very depressed when I heard that, knowing that you have moved on so quickly and its only a month from the initiated break up.. when I thought you should be the one being very sentimental.. 

But you also said if you can choose not to reply when I asked bout the nature taking its course for the both of us.. So, sometimes I am really confused, like I really don't know if I have a chance or not. I mean, its not like its going to affect my decision of chasing you. Its just more like if I have no chance at all, I thought it will be better for me to just step back and let the other guy chase you while I sob for a few months or so then I will get over it... But I really don't know... I want to hug you, and say how much regrets I have been feeling and sorry for taking you for granted all these time... But I guess, for the time being, we shall see how things goes... no idea how it will turn out to be honest.

 

Day 26: Well, I fked up pretty hard yesterday

 Initially things were going quite well so I was in a good mood and all, decided to give her a cheer on sticky note and wanted to give her a hug as well because she pretty much was studying in school by herself the whole weekend.. But end up she wasn't there when I previously ask if she was in hall. Then the next few minutes I decided to reclimb up the stairs and to realise that there is a guy slipper outside her door. My whole heart sank, thinking that she probably has cheated on me for so long and only for me to find out yesterday.. To be honest, I am still not sure if she is seeing the guy or not, I have never seen him before, but she claims that he is a friend and also a friend of her roomie's. She say that she went to Giant with him to get toothpaste, honestly, I was just devastated that she allowed a guy to enter the room without thinking bout what are the possible impression that others may see. Even without me to know the slippers were there, I mean.. if anyone else want to look for her and end up seeing a guy slipper outside the room, partially may think that ohh, maybe she is having a guest at the moment, might also be piak piak, because who knows? Its is a Sunday night and to be honest, not many people will come back to hall during the revision week itself. This week, there is no exams so the canteen is actually pretty quiet as well. No queue for any of the stalls. Hopefully, she really isn't dating the guy bah, otherwise it will just mean that I was basically replaced by someone in 1 month. But when I questioned her, she say she isn't dating him and neither is she ready for another relationship. However, being "not ready for a relationship" seems like an excuse that I have heard from too many girls back then, when they are too kind to reject the guy immediately. However, this end up giving false hopes for the guy and only noticing how much time he has invested is gone down the drain when she gets together with another guy that she probably met for 1-2 months. I also tried to explain to her how I've felt, if for her to imagine she were to come to my room and notice a pair of girls slipper outside my room, how would she have felt then. But she then brought up that I have made her feel so replaceable in the past, that she felt like it is already normal for her to feel so. I was shocked because I have no intention of making her feel so easily replaced. I will gladly pick her over any other girls, otherwise I wouldn't be crawling back to her like a worm. To cut the story short, she cried and I hugged her but not in a romantic way.. and she request that for the time being, until the end of finals, we should have minimal interactions so that it will probably be healthier for us and better for us to focus in our finals first... 

I feel like this can go south, with minimal interaction also means a possibility of not being able to be friends at all, because you don't really need this person in your life when you realised that you don't rely on that person so much as before. I know it seems easy to just let go and say move on move on, but what if I can't move on, and I really feel that Priscila is just the girl I really want in my life. "Every great man has a great woman" , and I feel that she has made me to be a better man, when she literally pick me up from the rocky start of university and now here I am, graduating in <6months time. I have removed her sister and her from my socials for the time being, so that I will not keep looking for her socials and stalk her photos whatsoever. Was thinking, maybe when her finals end, I will re-introduce myself once again, hoping to get a clean slate and start all over from strangers ~> friends ~> and hopefully a couple once again, but this time we CAN be stronger once we know about the flaws and things that we will have to accommodate in each other for. I really miss you baby, I missed the nights we get to hug to sleep, as I kiss your forehead and you snuggle in my embrace. We didn't even need a big bed to sleep well back then... I wish we can go back to our honeymoon period once more and relish all the good memories and throw the bad ones away and rebuild our new relationship to be a full of happiness. 

.I Love You.

Day 24: Why is it so long

24 Days since the blog was reopened, felt like this has been going on forever, and also feel like very little hope is left to chase her back bah.. Tried to really shake her heart by my words as much as possible, but all she is doing now is just ignoring those texts and just replying to only those that she wants to. Sometimes I really don't know if what I am doing is going south for me instead. I feel like I am just not moving on with the plan of letting time do its job to prove my sincerity and all because I am a rather impatient person and also, I am one that fear that she will just move on entirely from any love that she has left for me and it will only make it much harder to chase someone back if they aren't giving me much chances. I believe that even after months, she probably may not be comfortable with going out 1 to 1 and all, much less if its watching a movie together or going out on "unintentional" dates. But well, all these are hard to plan if it has to almost be an impromptu decision because nowadays need to book the dates of visitation to specific places, otherwise it will be a problem too... But I guess, I can only try to hide my own feelings for the moment and try to move on slowly.. Feels like another phase similar to when I chased Yu Jun back then.. but this might be much worse because I have actually planned so deep into the future for us and actually thought that things will have gone well.. Wanted to propose to her when I am 28 actually.. 4 years from now.. but now its all back to 0 and no idea when will it reset as well.. Man, I'm rather old now hahaha.. Fk my life man.. feeling so lost at times like this, when she was always there for my emotional support.

Day 19: Week 13 Monday

 Well, the lonely feeling in hall hits me once again today at 8+pm. Asked Priscila to chit chat / walk but by the time she replies that she is doing practice on her past year paper, I was already roaming around North Hill area by myself for at least 20 over mins. I then had the intention to walk to Yun Nan Garden by myself since the weather decently good enough for me to walk long distance. But end up, I just keep going to different places, but firstly was the SRC as it somehow reminded me how happy things was in camp, where everyone was playing games, cheers and whatsoever so I end up walked aimlessly towards that direction and see many people playing soccer, basketball and even foreigners running or doing yoga around that area. I was expecting it to be dead quiet since it is the final study week for most of us but I guess not really for the foreigners or people living in NTU. Well, I end up walking to places where I got reminded of Pris as I walk down hall 6 to pioneer hall. It took me about nearly half an hour for the whole journey as I'm mildly perspiring already so I decided not to continue on my journey to Yun Nan Garden and just walk back to hall so I can shower and just settle down on some anime or revision which I think I will just be watching anime and revise tomorrow again because firstly, it is an open book test and that I have done all the past year papers so I feel more confidence for the paper tomorrow and the one on Wednesday. I wish I could've more time spent with you today. Though lunch was great, dinner without you once again feel like something was amiss. Though you don't really speak much in a group context, your significance in the group is prominent to me. Maybe I am just too into you such that I will just look out for you. Ate too much ban mian today, felt like I am getting fatter instead of slimming down HAHAHA but whatever ba. Need to control food and exercise is crazy hard now.. Maybe I lack the motivation to really go all out diet and just starve. Doubt I will be seeing you anytime soon, since you say maybe will join for tmr dinner and wed lunch/dinner but wed lunch i will be having my presentation/CA then dinner i probably go home also. I doubt I will be eating in school. Until next week (week 14) when I probably will try to stay in hall for a longer period of time to focus in my studying for the finals. Probably stay from Sunday night - Thursday night before going back? Hmmm, to be honest, I don't know if we will really get back together in the future. It feels so bleak because it seems like you are so living your life as per normal, like we did not even got together in the first place.. I was expecting more emotions though that day you cried after intiating the break up. Mehh, we shall see how things goes ba... seems like I can only let time do its job and see if its move on or patch back.. well, I miss you baby girl. 

Day 17: Exams week is coming but I'm still missing you

 Well, it is a week to a full month from the way we separated.. and well, day 17 from the first day of the revival of this blog. I still missed you very much, I've asked to watched running man together later tonight at 11pm+, hopefully we can somewhat chat and reminisce the past as much as I wanted it to be. I have also been looking at flowers that I can buy at an affordable price and self collection which I intend to confess my love to you once again after the exams, maybe when you started your intern, hopefully WFH so I can give the flowers to you during your break time and I can somehow speak to you and give you butterflies all over again. The picture below was the last hike that we had together, which was at bukit timah railway. It was a very quick one due to time constraint as you have to go back home in the rather early afternoon like 2-3pm and that also due to the bad weather. In fact, we have many beautiful pictures together in just that short period of time. Many smiles, many sweat definitely... but thats when I realised we did not actually hold our hands nor kissed very much ever since before that day... Was it really so way back that your feelings for me had been already bad and that I have just been so oblivious all these while.. These days, I have been having dreams of our future, our past as well as the good memories that us when we were exploring places, eating good food. Dreams that we could actually go on chalets/staycation /overseas trips together as a couple. The first place that I will probably go with you is Malaysia at least it is near and cheap. Easy to communicate too, next is probably Taiwan? Since you have went there before and it should be easier to fix the itenary. Next is probably the near countries like bangkok and indonesia(Bali) where we can rent a villa so we can swim together during our relaxing days at the beach or the pool that the villa should have. 

I miss your smile, the hugs that we used to have for each other. I want to give you hugs from the front, from the back, kisses all over your face and say that I love you so so much... I hope I won't be too late in December then. I really just want to give you the space that you have requested for, that is why I haven't been trying so hard to push for the things that I really wanted to do for you and with you. I just wished that things will turn out better later into the year... I really do see us becoming a stronger couple together out of all these because I know my flaws and am really trying my best to fix all these problems now. I will do my best to gain some wisdom along the days that I am away from you, and grow into a better man.. I miss you so much baby..  

Edit:

Manage to watch running man together from 11:45pm to 12:30am. Though it is a short 45mins, well I still appreciate the time that can be spent together at least like how it was before. Really happy to see you being able to speak to me, though it feels a little awkward for you, I can feel it but, I still love you very much and miss these small opportunities that can allow me to be closer to you. I've also tried to ask if we can study together in RR during the revision weeks but you said see how, I guess it is still a little awkward for you? Maybe you won't ask me to study together so I believe I will have to create these opportunities myself and since your intern starts on 6 Dec, maybe I'll have to check in if it is WFH or go office around 5 Dec so I can roughly make a decision on the buying of flowers.. Well, hopefully we can get back together bah :) 

Day 15: Bit by bit

Though your explanation of false hope is not being sure if we can still patch back together. I shall still try not to be so hopeful though I believe that it is also a window of hope where a miracle can still happen. I will still give the space that you requested and hope for the best in the future. If anything, I will just focus on building my character and myself to perfection or at least, much better than what I was before, so that you can actually see and know how sincere I am in chasing you back. Trying to stop being toxic to myself by being more busy by watching anime? But I can't believe the time I took to just spend on anime, is actually a lot. Imagine 40 episodes in 4-5days? and each episodes is 20 over mins. If I have spent these time to read on FYP projects or even study, I might just redo the past year papers over 3-4x already. Haha, but I guess its no point to just keep on studying and should really just enjoy the final phase of my studying life since I will just be working my ass off for the next 2/3 of my life... Well, today is another picture of your lovely smile that I miss seeing... I really hope that you will be mine once again. Though I know that your sister is definitely not going to help me so, I have to take this matter by myself and solve it with whatever I can and not seek help from her since she is obviously not being kind to me. LOL... whatever, didn't really like her from the start anyway. I still love you, Priscila