Day 52: The end of Priscila and Me

 So, I was feeling curious as to why Chun Kai keeps telling me that Priscila and I are not able to be friends at all after a break up and he also told her to better not come for the hotpot or drinking will be better.. So, initially I just wanted to speak to her in hall about it that we shouldn't really listen from the advices as friends or whatever also need to be able to see each other without feeling any awkwardness isn't it. 

So, I went to hall on the Thursday afternoon (9 December 2021), end up I saw Javin's slippers once again at her doorstep, I confronted them and spoke to him. Also, found out that they are in the midst of understanding each other better already and they have gone out together a few times. So, in my definition of that, they are already in the midst of some dating phase since she does not give just ANYONE a chance to go out with her 1-1. After all, I am pretty much blocked from any opportunity I tried, from eating together 1-1, exercise or even playing mobile phone games. Tried to ask her for 3 more dates to really be sure of her answer but she keep refusing even after 1 hour of persuasion by me. Seems like it really does not work out anymore, she kept bringing up the past of Hwee Voon especially and how I have not manage to make her feel secure in the relationship as well as how I only found out about my flaws ONLY after the breakup. (Well, in my defense, she did not tell me anything about the things she dislike about what I did, and we usually only have those petty little quarrels here and there like any other ordinary couple.) So, I guess the once, strong loving couple in hall has to call it quits but worse still is that she has just open her doors (maybe her legs too) to a new guy which also lives in the same hall. Haha... it sure is tough for me to take all of this in especially when I have caught them in the act. Seriously, could've probably felt better if she told me earlier that she actually is seeing someone else. 

Honestly, I have lost all my feelings for her at this moment, but I still have those lingering memories of our honeymoon period, where I don't even ask her for sex or whatsoever, it was pretty an innocent relationship, where we sneak out at night in hall, to have a talk for like 30mins-1hr at the carpark gantry, in northhill, and during the weekends, she will come over to my place and spend the night over. We really just kiss and hug each other to sleep, without any private part touching or anything. It was such a pretty memory that well, I wanted to do that if we really do patched back, like really reset back to our honeymoon period. But she does not want to give me any chances as she feel that character does not change. But people do change, its will not be easy, but determination can really lead to more fruitful results. I know, that I have hurt her along the way, but it also won't be easy for me if I didn't know bout all these.. She cried after all that talk and I asked for a hug but she shook her head, so I patted her head and say.. maybe it is goodbye, but I really do hope that somehow, somewhere, if really fate do permit for us to be friends, I hope that we can at least be one that can be close enough to tell secrets to, to really share our happiness, frustrations, sorrows to.

Well, today will probably the last post of Priscila and myself.. I really loved her since October 1st 2019, when we had our first date, all the way Thursday, 9 December 2021, when I feel that I really can't love her the same anymore, knowing how she can just switch to another guy so quickly. Oh well, really unsure if I can even love the next girl the same way, I took a long time to heal from Yu Jun and I'm sure this is going to be a lot worse since I did not even date Yu Jun back then. I wonder, what will the future have in stall for Priscila and myself. Will we be strangers, after today? Or will we really be able to reset, start afresh and be close platonic friends without harboring any hatred or love for each other? Hahaha, I felt like maybe she might be the right girl, but unfortunately met at the wrong time. Maybe if we have met, a little later.. things may have been smoother. Where I will have more wisdom and be more wary of how a girl like her would have felt through my actions.

Day 47: Start of her intern / Start of my answering journey

So, yesterday night I was reflecting on what I should do and I was thinking, why not start on a journey of answering these questions below early, and do it every end of the week to re-evaluate my own feelings for her. Thing is, that I myself don't know if I really love her or is it just because I don't want to waste the months and years that I have spent with her. Sometimes, it hurts whenever I think about it because I don't know if I really have loved her properly before though my brain keeps telling me that I really loved her and really want the best for her when she is with me. But have I really did the right thing, such as actions and proper attitude that I have given to her to see a promising future with me?

The questions below are from 2 posts ago but I will be using these questions for that time being..

 1. What is it that I really love about her? Is it just because of wasted time, or is it really true that I love her from the bottom of my heart. 

2. Am I prepared to face the reality that even if someday, I have changed and she accepted me but if I were to be short-tempered at one point of time, she may still bring up about this past, and history will repeat itself?

3. She can also reject me like any other guys that can come chasing for her. Like she can reject to any opportunity that I set up for, a lunch/exercise/movie date. She has the right to say No and I have no choice but to live with it.

4. Since there is no expiry date to how things can go, there can also be a possibility that I have to take months, years or may not even chase her back while seeing her go with another man.

Day 43: First day of hols and also first day with "minimal interaction"

 From morning until now (8pm), we literally have 5 times where Priscila and I reply each other... I feel like this distance is somewhat killing me but.. it may also be the distance you wanted all along.. Not so sure how long I can last for this. Saw you popping online in your whatsapp at 7:44pm when I sent a reply to you around 7:20+pm, but you didn't open them and definitely did not reply to my message as well. I guess I just have to endure it through? I mean it will probably feel worse the next time when you switch your last seen back on and I know that you aren't replying my messages. 

How am I suppose to actually feel though, to be honest, I have no idea what should I do to actually move on from all these, afterall we have been so close to one another to the extent that we see each other every lunch, dinner and even for night walks from 10pm to midnights. Even during weekends, we zoom call one another to watch shows together and also text one another after we off-ed our zoom calls. But now, it is reduced to only 5 chats per day... Having to start off at 5 chats/day, I am assuming that there is also a possibility that the next time... during this period when you are having your intern, may end up being 5hrs interval for your replies.. Especially when you really start doing your audit work, I think you will have more of an excuse to not reply me at all until the end of work when it can be 530pm or even overtime and say to become 7-8pm. I am just praying that I will be able to endure through this 1 month such that I can somehow get over you, and move on so that we can really go back to being friends and know each other all over again at least... 

I really am trying not to be hopeful in anything that we might have a possibility of getting back together because I am rather sure that we won't be, unfortunately.. Though I really wished that we could. I just feel that it is impossible to "forget" something. I even remember those small fights that I had with my friend in secondary school that does not even affect me at all, and that was like 10 years ago. Furthermore, I don't even contact him after secondary school, so I know that it really is impossible to forget any bad memories. Moreover, something that I have done to you.. like calling you a cheater and whatsoever. I guess, I really have to move on and just look forward. I have tried my best, and if my best is not enough, then no choice also ba...

I just hope to be able to at least get to know you all over again someday, when you allow me to ask you out for meals or movies whatever. My plan is probably to at least: 

1. Study together

2. Breakfast together

3. Go on night walk to Giant together

4. Watch shows via Zoom together

5. Finally and most importantly, go out 1-1 together. It will probably be like a date. and that's when I feel that I will finally get a chance to even try to do something from then.

Day 41: Closure talk with Pris (with Brian and Chun Kai)

 So, after their final paper today, wanted to speak to Priscila alone after their mahjong session but Priscila suddenly said no and also that she feel that there is nothing to speak because she does not want to patch things back. Got a little flustered so I told Brian and CK to help me get to speak to her while they also be there to listen in and give advice for the both of us and also to give a closure to the relationship and what is up next. 

She says that nature talk its own course, Yes.

She says that she used to still have feelings for me before I called her a cheater, Yes, though she still isn't sure that things will patch back or not. But now, its a no. It seems that rushing this, is possibly the "wrong" step I guess. Usually, we want to keep things burning while the relationship is still fresh especially if the break up is still very recent. I have now no say in whatever she does, even the guys if she wants to meet or date. I am encouraged to move on, as well as EVEN if I really want to chase her in the future. I have to think:
1. What is it that I really love about her? Is it just because of wasted time, or is it really true that I love her from the bottom of my heart. 

2. Am I prepared to face the reality that even if someday, I have changed and she accepted me but if I were to be short-tempered at one point of time, she may still bring up about this past, and history will repeat itself?

3. She can also reject me like any other guys that can come chasing for her. Like she can reject to any opportunity that I set up for, a lunch/exercise/movie date. She has the right to say No and I have no choice but to live with it.

4. Since there is no expiry date to how things can go, there can also be a possibility that I have to take months, years or may not even chase her back while seeing her go with another man.

Guess the plan for 8 Dec will also be put to a halt and probably will not go along with it at all.. Since I don't think these few months will be enough healing time for either of us. Well, time to reflect on these questions ONLY after a few months ba then I guess can write a letter for her in a well decorated paper next time? Shall just allow herself to her own space and well, I shall also live in mine, back to when I did not meet her and didn't rely on her so often... 

This may very well be the last post for this relationship so that I can really move on from her without having any new thoughts of her...

Day 35 : Finished first paper

Well... Its our "second anniversary", today... How I wish I could be able to say that to you today, saying how much I love you and a Happy 2nd anniversary... But well.. No idea how far we can go for now.. You have already opened your doors to others, while I am still at base 1 where I am still clueless as to where to go beside knowing that I really want you back... I miss you, I miss the hugs, the kisses, the small chats we have at night, the time we really smile and laugh at the slightest things. We really enjoyed the company of one another. And though it seems like you have already moved on entirely where you really don't need me, I'm not sure if I am ready to move on just like you did. I just hope for a few chances to go out with you, to show how much I really care and love you, for you to know and hopefully giving me another chance at salvaging our relationship. Today, after the paper, I have waited for 3 hours but still no reply because you have another paper, C Law, tomorrow.. So, I guess I should be patient and just wait for an answer when you are free.. Though I know you have been on and off on your telegram, hopefully asking and answering questions from your friends... Though you said you have no friends in your class but I really hope that you are just asking questions and not... flirting with other guys yea... The guy that was studying in your room, you said to let nature take its own course when I asked if you have feelings for him. You said that and also you said that you have not thought about it. To be honest, I was very depressed when I heard that, knowing that you have moved on so quickly and its only a month from the initiated break up.. when I thought you should be the one being very sentimental.. 

But you also said if you can choose not to reply when I asked bout the nature taking its course for the both of us.. So, sometimes I am really confused, like I really don't know if I have a chance or not. I mean, its not like its going to affect my decision of chasing you. Its just more like if I have no chance at all, I thought it will be better for me to just step back and let the other guy chase you while I sob for a few months or so then I will get over it... But I really don't know... I want to hug you, and say how much regrets I have been feeling and sorry for taking you for granted all these time... But I guess, for the time being, we shall see how things goes... no idea how it will turn out to be honest.

 

Day 26: Well, I fked up pretty hard yesterday

 Initially things were going quite well so I was in a good mood and all, decided to give her a cheer on sticky note and wanted to give her a hug as well because she pretty much was studying in school by herself the whole weekend.. But end up she wasn't there when I previously ask if she was in hall. Then the next few minutes I decided to reclimb up the stairs and to realise that there is a guy slipper outside her door. My whole heart sank, thinking that she probably has cheated on me for so long and only for me to find out yesterday.. To be honest, I am still not sure if she is seeing the guy or not, I have never seen him before, but she claims that he is a friend and also a friend of her roomie's. She say that she went to Giant with him to get toothpaste, honestly, I was just devastated that she allowed a guy to enter the room without thinking bout what are the possible impression that others may see. Even without me to know the slippers were there, I mean.. if anyone else want to look for her and end up seeing a guy slipper outside the room, partially may think that ohh, maybe she is having a guest at the moment, might also be piak piak, because who knows? Its is a Sunday night and to be honest, not many people will come back to hall during the revision week itself. This week, there is no exams so the canteen is actually pretty quiet as well. No queue for any of the stalls. Hopefully, she really isn't dating the guy bah, otherwise it will just mean that I was basically replaced by someone in 1 month. But when I questioned her, she say she isn't dating him and neither is she ready for another relationship. However, being "not ready for a relationship" seems like an excuse that I have heard from too many girls back then, when they are too kind to reject the guy immediately. However, this end up giving false hopes for the guy and only noticing how much time he has invested is gone down the drain when she gets together with another guy that she probably met for 1-2 months. I also tried to explain to her how I've felt, if for her to imagine she were to come to my room and notice a pair of girls slipper outside my room, how would she have felt then. But she then brought up that I have made her feel so replaceable in the past, that she felt like it is already normal for her to feel so. I was shocked because I have no intention of making her feel so easily replaced. I will gladly pick her over any other girls, otherwise I wouldn't be crawling back to her like a worm. To cut the story short, she cried and I hugged her but not in a romantic way.. and she request that for the time being, until the end of finals, we should have minimal interactions so that it will probably be healthier for us and better for us to focus in our finals first... 

I feel like this can go south, with minimal interaction also means a possibility of not being able to be friends at all, because you don't really need this person in your life when you realised that you don't rely on that person so much as before. I know it seems easy to just let go and say move on move on, but what if I can't move on, and I really feel that Priscila is just the girl I really want in my life. "Every great man has a great woman" , and I feel that she has made me to be a better man, when she literally pick me up from the rocky start of university and now here I am, graduating in <6months time. I have removed her sister and her from my socials for the time being, so that I will not keep looking for her socials and stalk her photos whatsoever. Was thinking, maybe when her finals end, I will re-introduce myself once again, hoping to get a clean slate and start all over from strangers ~> friends ~> and hopefully a couple once again, but this time we CAN be stronger once we know about the flaws and things that we will have to accommodate in each other for. I really miss you baby, I missed the nights we get to hug to sleep, as I kiss your forehead and you snuggle in my embrace. We didn't even need a big bed to sleep well back then... I wish we can go back to our honeymoon period once more and relish all the good memories and throw the bad ones away and rebuild our new relationship to be a full of happiness. 

.I Love You.

Day 24: Why is it so long

24 Days since the blog was reopened, felt like this has been going on forever, and also feel like very little hope is left to chase her back bah.. Tried to really shake her heart by my words as much as possible, but all she is doing now is just ignoring those texts and just replying to only those that she wants to. Sometimes I really don't know if what I am doing is going south for me instead. I feel like I am just not moving on with the plan of letting time do its job to prove my sincerity and all because I am a rather impatient person and also, I am one that fear that she will just move on entirely from any love that she has left for me and it will only make it much harder to chase someone back if they aren't giving me much chances. I believe that even after months, she probably may not be comfortable with going out 1 to 1 and all, much less if its watching a movie together or going out on "unintentional" dates. But well, all these are hard to plan if it has to almost be an impromptu decision because nowadays need to book the dates of visitation to specific places, otherwise it will be a problem too... But I guess, I can only try to hide my own feelings for the moment and try to move on slowly.. Feels like another phase similar to when I chased Yu Jun back then.. but this might be much worse because I have actually planned so deep into the future for us and actually thought that things will have gone well.. Wanted to propose to her when I am 28 actually.. 4 years from now.. but now its all back to 0 and no idea when will it reset as well.. Man, I'm rather old now hahaha.. Fk my life man.. feeling so lost at times like this, when she was always there for my emotional support.

Day 19: Week 13 Monday

 Well, the lonely feeling in hall hits me once again today at 8+pm. Asked Priscila to chit chat / walk but by the time she replies that she is doing practice on her past year paper, I was already roaming around North Hill area by myself for at least 20 over mins. I then had the intention to walk to Yun Nan Garden by myself since the weather decently good enough for me to walk long distance. But end up, I just keep going to different places, but firstly was the SRC as it somehow reminded me how happy things was in camp, where everyone was playing games, cheers and whatsoever so I end up walked aimlessly towards that direction and see many people playing soccer, basketball and even foreigners running or doing yoga around that area. I was expecting it to be dead quiet since it is the final study week for most of us but I guess not really for the foreigners or people living in NTU. Well, I end up walking to places where I got reminded of Pris as I walk down hall 6 to pioneer hall. It took me about nearly half an hour for the whole journey as I'm mildly perspiring already so I decided not to continue on my journey to Yun Nan Garden and just walk back to hall so I can shower and just settle down on some anime or revision which I think I will just be watching anime and revise tomorrow again because firstly, it is an open book test and that I have done all the past year papers so I feel more confidence for the paper tomorrow and the one on Wednesday. I wish I could've more time spent with you today. Though lunch was great, dinner without you once again feel like something was amiss. Though you don't really speak much in a group context, your significance in the group is prominent to me. Maybe I am just too into you such that I will just look out for you. Ate too much ban mian today, felt like I am getting fatter instead of slimming down HAHAHA but whatever ba. Need to control food and exercise is crazy hard now.. Maybe I lack the motivation to really go all out diet and just starve. Doubt I will be seeing you anytime soon, since you say maybe will join for tmr dinner and wed lunch/dinner but wed lunch i will be having my presentation/CA then dinner i probably go home also. I doubt I will be eating in school. Until next week (week 14) when I probably will try to stay in hall for a longer period of time to focus in my studying for the finals. Probably stay from Sunday night - Thursday night before going back? Hmmm, to be honest, I don't know if we will really get back together in the future. It feels so bleak because it seems like you are so living your life as per normal, like we did not even got together in the first place.. I was expecting more emotions though that day you cried after intiating the break up. Mehh, we shall see how things goes ba... seems like I can only let time do its job and see if its move on or patch back.. well, I miss you baby girl. 

Day 17: Exams week is coming but I'm still missing you

 Well, it is a week to a full month from the way we separated.. and well, day 17 from the first day of the revival of this blog. I still missed you very much, I've asked to watched running man together later tonight at 11pm+, hopefully we can somewhat chat and reminisce the past as much as I wanted it to be. I have also been looking at flowers that I can buy at an affordable price and self collection which I intend to confess my love to you once again after the exams, maybe when you started your intern, hopefully WFH so I can give the flowers to you during your break time and I can somehow speak to you and give you butterflies all over again. The picture below was the last hike that we had together, which was at bukit timah railway. It was a very quick one due to time constraint as you have to go back home in the rather early afternoon like 2-3pm and that also due to the bad weather. In fact, we have many beautiful pictures together in just that short period of time. Many smiles, many sweat definitely... but thats when I realised we did not actually hold our hands nor kissed very much ever since before that day... Was it really so way back that your feelings for me had been already bad and that I have just been so oblivious all these while.. These days, I have been having dreams of our future, our past as well as the good memories that us when we were exploring places, eating good food. Dreams that we could actually go on chalets/staycation /overseas trips together as a couple. The first place that I will probably go with you is Malaysia at least it is near and cheap. Easy to communicate too, next is probably Taiwan? Since you have went there before and it should be easier to fix the itenary. Next is probably the near countries like bangkok and indonesia(Bali) where we can rent a villa so we can swim together during our relaxing days at the beach or the pool that the villa should have. 

I miss your smile, the hugs that we used to have for each other. I want to give you hugs from the front, from the back, kisses all over your face and say that I love you so so much... I hope I won't be too late in December then. I really just want to give you the space that you have requested for, that is why I haven't been trying so hard to push for the things that I really wanted to do for you and with you. I just wished that things will turn out better later into the year... I really do see us becoming a stronger couple together out of all these because I know my flaws and am really trying my best to fix all these problems now. I will do my best to gain some wisdom along the days that I am away from you, and grow into a better man.. I miss you so much baby..  

Edit:

Manage to watch running man together from 11:45pm to 12:30am. Though it is a short 45mins, well I still appreciate the time that can be spent together at least like how it was before. Really happy to see you being able to speak to me, though it feels a little awkward for you, I can feel it but, I still love you very much and miss these small opportunities that can allow me to be closer to you. I've also tried to ask if we can study together in RR during the revision weeks but you said see how, I guess it is still a little awkward for you? Maybe you won't ask me to study together so I believe I will have to create these opportunities myself and since your intern starts on 6 Dec, maybe I'll have to check in if it is WFH or go office around 5 Dec so I can roughly make a decision on the buying of flowers.. Well, hopefully we can get back together bah :) 

Day 15: Bit by bit

Though your explanation of false hope is not being sure if we can still patch back together. I shall still try not to be so hopeful though I believe that it is also a window of hope where a miracle can still happen. I will still give the space that you requested and hope for the best in the future. If anything, I will just focus on building my character and myself to perfection or at least, much better than what I was before, so that you can actually see and know how sincere I am in chasing you back. Trying to stop being toxic to myself by being more busy by watching anime? But I can't believe the time I took to just spend on anime, is actually a lot. Imagine 40 episodes in 4-5days? and each episodes is 20 over mins. If I have spent these time to read on FYP projects or even study, I might just redo the past year papers over 3-4x already. Haha, but I guess its no point to just keep on studying and should really just enjoy the final phase of my studying life since I will just be working my ass off for the next 2/3 of my life... Well, today is another picture of your lovely smile that I miss seeing... I really hope that you will be mine once again. Though I know that your sister is definitely not going to help me so, I have to take this matter by myself and solve it with whatever I can and not seek help from her since she is obviously not being kind to me. LOL... whatever, didn't really like her from the start anyway. I still love you, Priscila

Day 12: Quiet monday

 Well, tutorial for 1030-1130 got cancelled and well pretty much another quiet Monday once again. Can't imagine how things will go.. It was only last Thursday that we stopped texting.. so it is effectively 4 days that we did not text, but it already felt like weeks and months have past by. Kind of wanted to ask you for lunch together but... I don't know if it will be a wise choice at all.. or its just going to be a rejection.. so I think I will just eat in my room alone instead while I watch my shows... I think I'd better be giving you space since it might just be the last straw or whatever it may be.. I miss your smile, your stupid jokes and whatever things you do just to get my attention.. We used to be able to cuddle every Sunday nights and Mondays we just eat together because we end pretty much around the same time on Mondays... But well, I can only wait to eat by myself these days.

Day 11: I don't know if I should continue hoping it'll work

To be honest, I don't know if I should continue hoping that we will get back together. It all seem like I am holding on to a thread that was already cut loose.. I'm not sure if you have been thinking about me while we have not been texting at all since Thursday morning. Is there really nothing that we can talk through to salvage this relationship? As time goes on and distance widens, I am actually more than just afraid that we will drift apart further than friends. There is in fact, a high possibility of us being total strangers after this. I have to endure until 1st December before I can make a move, and I am not even sure if that will allow us to discuss if we can get another chance back together. What if I am just delusional such that only I am looking forward for us to patch back together while you are busy moving on and actually trying to live your life without me in your life. If you can live your life in peace, without me for 2 months +, I'm pretty sure you will also be used to the routine that you have set for yourself along those days when I wasn't around... I still want to try and get you back, knowing that I have a very slim chance of doing so, but I really want to give it another shot. Just that sometimes, I feel like I want to text you at random times of the day, just to check in on you. Today, I even thought of texting your sister to check in on you as well as a possibility if she will help me when the time comes that I will come and chase you back to get you back by my side. I know that I am probably not worth it back then, but I feel like I am able to achieve the best qualities of myself by changing my temper as well as making sure that I should actually show love more physically than through the buying of gifts or food. Here is a picture of us going to the Singapore quarry and our little kiss photo. I don't want any of this to end... Will we actually have to move on without each other in our lives? What if I got rejected after valentines day? Do I still try again? I really have no plans after that, if I fail.. I really will have no idea how it will be like to just move on like nothing happened... like we have never even existed in each other lives. I know that your decision should be respected and I should not forcefully ask for a patch back as well.. but isn't the break up a little too sudden for me to handle? We haven't quarreled for very long, and in fact like we have not quarreled into something very big these days and I actually thought we would go all the way.. I really hope that you will miss me through the days that we do not text.. and hopefully things will be better after this... such that, you still have feelings for me and wouldn't mind giving it another try for our relationship to restart.

 

Day 8: Saying our goodbye (?)

 

Well, interesting week I guess? For a moment, I thought that things would have worked out somehow when I texted her how I feel about her. She was kind of worried if our parents will look at the relationship differently if we patched back together.. But seems like she just wanted for us to stop texting for awhile. I got really mad, wanted to block her on both telegram and whatsapp, for a moment, even on instagram because I felt so enraged, so mad that why would she not give me a chance to redeem myself when I had given her a chance to do so in the past. Furthermore, I have actually stepped down from my pride and ego, I literally went around like a dog to try and understand what I have done wrong, to look into the solution of why she is hating me so much. I try to solve them but is this just creating a denial in myself such that I will continue in this endless solo journey. I really love you, and I will give up partial of my world for you. But would you have done the same? I know that I am not perfect, I am flawed. Definitely, but everyone is flawed too, and if it is something that can be changed, mostly is my bad temper, why can't you just allow me to change that attitude for once and allow me to prove that even a wild boar can also be tamed. It won't be easy but never say that it is impossible.

But whatever it is, I will give her the space she needs and well.. I will not text her for the time being. Who knows, I may just never text her again like how I mentioned in the text. Because there is always a higher possibility of becoming strangers when we do not keep conversations going, or even talk to one another. I have now lost a girlfriend, and a friend overall. I am sad, I am annoyed, and I am not moving on from this. I am stuck in this bear trap, in pain and in suffering. I can only try to manage this pain by looking ahead and try to not look at the pictures of us anymore. Furthermore, I will also not be texting her, so I might as well not check on her last seen and whatsoever. Might even try to minimize myself from checking in on her from Brian. Because it feels like I have always been the one trying to salvage whatever is there and I don't hear from Brian about how she wanted to know more about me. Like how I have been doing and so on. All she does now is talk about her modules' presentation and report writing. It feels as though like she has never been into a relationship with me afterall. Everything feels like a dream and that bubble I thought would practically keep me sane, is actually making me feel worse inside.

Day 5 : Was it too much impulse?

 Well, yesterday night didn't go too well as I thought it would.. I went on an impulse and climbed up to her room and gave her a hug.. Which she leaned back and pushed me away almost immediately.. I think there's a possibility of her already moved on from the relationship such that she has no longer any feelings left for me and that me hugging her was almost like an assault done by any stranger or drunkard. I have never felt so disappointed in a hug before, such that what was supposedly normal in the past, can turn out to be something so awkward and wrong. Should I have done none of those? I really want the fire to continue burning despite being away from her. I know that if I leave her as it is, feelings will definitely fade as the time spent together is already kept to a minimum such that we have little to no interaction with one another. She also didn't want to have lunch together, the reason was that she was tired and she wanted to take a nap (not sure how true that will be) but well, I can only accepted the fact that I may have fucked up yesterday.. I apologized to her though I also said that I will wait for her.. but i also know that she is busy with her school work and assignments that are bound to due within this week and the week after. I just hope that she is doing alright in class as well because she has to juggle with the number of projects while attending seminars which is bound to crash into one another. She does seem to not have sufficient sleep these days, every day she sleeps at like 2+am or later but wakes up earlier than me, even on weekends (before 9am). I am rather.. surprised that she can still work on so much project and presentations.. Not sure if she is really doing them or that she is actually talking to other guys during this whole period, which also explains the distance that is created between us to be much faster... I still missed her a whole lot...  Here is another picture of her for today :)

Day 3 : Looking forward

 Well, it is only the 3rd day after closure, and really I feel less empty at least because we still text once in a while.. Though I really had wish we can text much more like we do in the past, but I know that I should not be putting more or any pressure on you as this may affect my chances in the future. Times are tough, and it will only allow the tougher to overcome these times. I know that you will probably not text me if I don't text you first, though you say you would if you have something to ask me or just to ask if I am doing okay. But well, I will still check in on you once in a while because, personally it is tough for me to just move on with these feelings held in me. Cant wait for the day when I'll actually shoot my shot once again. As much as I am able to control my feelings better now, I still love you very much and am just pretty much trying to make myself busy by doing random stuff which don't make any sense. I also try to put exercising into my routine if the weather and time allows me to. I have also reflected on the things that we can try to do better if we are back together as a couple, though it will also be on your end if you will want to try it all over again. I was really hoping for you to text me first because that will really make me feel wanted instead of feeling unloved. I'm not sure if you have moved on from our relationship entirely and making excuses like you are busy with work or you really just immersed yourself into your project and school work such that you really don't keep track of time and your phone as often... Well, another picture of you today, but this is exactly how i feel like right now, when i look at our pictures together..

Day 1 of Priscila broke up with me

 

Day 1 (21^st Oct)

1 day after closure, well in just less than 24hrs, I felt so much pain, disappointment as well as emptiness all in 1 day. Despite being busy since morning when I have equipment assessment test in the morning at 930am and only come back to hall at 3pm. The feeling of emptiness overwhelmed me as the quietness fills the room. Every day, without fail, we meet for lunch/dinner as well as our late-night walks to giant or just around hall for at least 1 hour. Things that I have took granted for, always felt it was a chore to go out and walk but now it becomes a habit such that I casually look forward to every 11pm or later where we would possibly go on walks and enjoy the quiet breeze in hall. Now, I cannot enjoy the quietness in hall anymore as the breeze becomes a catalyst for making me tear up when I remember bout how it was before we officially got together in the first place. As hot and humid the weather may be, we would meet at the car gantry or bus stop without fail and talk bout our day for hours.. even sneaking a few pecks of kisses and hugs during the session. I thought you were very busy with project and didn’t ask much bout how you were, maybe that’s why you felt unloved. I just thought of not speaking about the workload because it may come across as another stressful thought. I should have just stopped and kissed you on the spot, kissing is probably something we have not done for so long too. Though its like that, I actually am shocked when you asked to break up last Wednesday (13 Oct) when I thought our relationship was rather healthy. It also because that we didn’t quarrel for at least 1 month and pretty much nothing would’ve triggered to you ending on our relationship. So, I guess it was an accumulated problems in our relationship that has brought it to the end of our relationship. Well, I have yet to move on from our relationship. As much as I will like to move on, I still cant let go of us… Maybe in time to come, we may find our significant other OR maybe we may just get back together after gaining more wisdom. Though, I quite uncertain about how we will be like, since things will be quite awkward as friends even.. how will we even move forward such that I can convince you to try for another relationship. Whatever it is, I have no control over the future and I shall just move on and take a step forward into the future without you for now.. It’s a fracture in my heart, but I hope you do know that I really loved you, very much. This was the place we dated and last picture we had together as a couple.. I'm sorry Priscila for not being enough and practically oblivious of the subtle hints that you probably have given me along the way...